Fannie A. Bess - Advertiser-Tribune.com | News, sports, jobs, Tiffin, Ohio - The Advertiser-Tribune

Fannie A. Bess - Advertiser-Tribune.com | News, sports, jobs, Tiffin, Ohio - The Advertiser-Tribune

Back...

Hello, it's me again.

I know, I know, I've slacked on my writing. I went and got myself caught up in all kind of stuff and  got myself overwhelmed. Fights happened causing me to realize I need to take a step back and start this again because doing this was (Yes, Aunt Tracy) a GREAT outlet for my feelings! So again I say I'm back and here we go!!

The learning years?

He's right. I have no right to speak of things I know nothing about. I am selfish. I do have problems. I can't help that every time a voice is raised and someone rants about an issue I suddenly feel attacked. I spent the first 18 years of my life being blamed for everything from a light being left on to my mom's drug use. I spent the first 14 years getting hit and thrown around because my dad turned his anger at my mother towards me. My entire childhood I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Since then I can't be in the same room with someone who rants because yes I have a guilty conscious. You spend everyday of your life being blamed for something you had absolutely no control over. How was I too know my mom was stealing money from my dad? How was I to know that my mom cheating on my dad was wrong? How was I supposed to know that I was gonna get the crap beat out of me from somebody I thought was my friend because I wouldn't let him have my key ring.
 Okay maybe I am a cold heartless bitch. Growing up in my house if I shed a tear about anything I was given a reason to cry. I remember one time I was probably 8 I think, My best friend at the time had asked me if I wanted to go to the Trick or Treat at the mall. Well she never asked her mom first before asking me. Well when her mom said, "No we're not going" I was crushed. I ran home crying my eyes out. My mom was so doped out of her mind that she didn't care and never even bother to ask me what was wrong. I just ran to my room like a babbling fool. Well my crying woke my dad up. Yep, all hell broke loose. He asked me what was wrong I told him and his response was "Quit being such a baby. You want something to cry about I'll give you one" and with that I was punched straight in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. The wind was knocked right out of me. This wasn't just a one time thing. Anytime I cried about something I was either hit, punched, or thrown against a room. So at a very early age I learned not to show emotions of any sort.
Now in my adulthood I still can't get away from that. I know I'm with a good man. I mean we all have had screw ups. I'm far from being perfect. I have had made more bad decisions in my 30 years of life than even Albert Einstein did when he developed the theory of general relativity. Every person makes mistakes, Life didn't come with an instruction manual, however it would be really nice if it would have. My problems are excepting those mistakes. I need to quit feeling attacked all the time and remember people vent. I also just need to quit holding it in. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Not all opinions are right or they wouldn't be called that. If I don't agree with it I need to just move on and agree to disagree.
What really peeves me off the most though is how people feel they need to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. Yea okay so I overreact about things. I will make a mountain out of a mole hill. But you know what, in my head by me doing this I have prepared myself for the worst and if nothing big comes out of it and I overreacted about it, Let me tell you the rush of relief I get from it is AWESOME!
Yes maybe I do cause drama it subconsciously. I spent all my life with drama. Every time I turned around my mother and my father was doing shit. It's what I have learned.
Am I to old to make changes? Have I been set in my ways for to long to excel and make my life better? I know my life is WAY better now than it ever has been so why am I still depressed? Why do I continue to look around for something wrong instead of just enjoy the life I have. Why can't I actually face the fact that my life is great except for me? Will I be able to correct myself? Can I fix my wrongs? How? Where do I start? I surely can't just be reborn and redo. (Although that to would be nice.) Is it just because living with other's and only having a "True" family time has been Very little? I mean for 6 months It was just Eric, me and the kids the other 5 and a half years we have always lived with someone. Uggg what is wrong with me!!

Just a little feeling

 I sometimes sit and close my eyes to try and visualize her face. I see her, a woman of great strength and fearless courage. This woman who is beautiful with hair of blond and eye's of Blue, a smile that could light up a room. A mother of one who's life had just begun.

This woman, she sits in a rocking chair in a room lite only by candlelight. A child is in her lap. The child, a little girl looks to be about a year and half of age. She has hair as fine as tinsel, her eyes are as blue as a clear summer sky. The child reaches up for her momma nose and the woman gently kisses the child's fingers. The child shrieks with joy. The woman begins to softly sing "This little light of mine" as she gently rocks her child to sleep. While still humming she gives the child one final kiss on her forehead before placing her in her crib. She watches as the child peacefully drifts off to a somber sleep. She whispers "I love you Sunshine" and quietly tiptoes away.

 I was just waking up. I stumbled down my stairs and shuffled into my kitchen to make my pot of coffee. I stepped outside to smoke my morning cigarette. It was a chilly and wet morning. It was still dark. I came back in my house grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down at my computer desk. I followed my normal morning routine I logged on to facebook to check up on my friends than proceeded to TheCourier.com to see what happened over night. What I read that morning will forever be burned into my memory and life as I knew it was about to change.

Stay out of it! It's none of your concern! Mind your own business! Those are just a few thing I'm pretty sure had been said in this event by some people. I will say that if anybody deserves a special set of snow white angle wings, It would be her. She pushed the definition as a mother to a new level. She gave her her own life to ensure her child would be free from abuse and danger and god has brought us together to ensure this to be carried forth. This woman I speak of and see is Vera Jo.

Today we are all here as a result of this tragedy. They say everything happens for a reason. Our reason, To bring Justice and be the Voice for Vera. We were brought together because god sees our strength and our love of human life.  He believes in all of us and  knows what we can do. In the beginning I never thought that I had the strength to change anything or make such an impact and I'm sure some you have felt the same at one point of life. Here we stand together all with a strength to stand up and make a change. I now have a new focus and view on life.

I want to say I feel blessed to have all of you in my life. Vera as well as you all have brought out a characteristic is me that I truly thought had been lost forever a long time ago. I did not know Vera however as I learn more about this horrendous tale I realized Vera and I are connected at the heart. I know the fear she faced on a daily basis. I understand how she had lost faith in people at an early age. This is why I feel I was chosen.

We all have our reason for becoming a part of this story.  All of us has brought something to the table in one way or another. Some of us were her family, some of us were her friends, while other's were just strangers. We all have different opinions but there is one thing that we seem to all agree on and that is, Every single one us of here today want justice to be sought. We are here not only to be the voice for a woman who can no longer speak for herself and to bring justice to her, but to raise awareness of a situation that is happening all across the world behind closed doors. We have become a team and we have already accomplished so much with still more yet to come!!

The small steps that we have taken has lead to the beginning of a huge resolution. We must not forget our reasons for being brought here together today. We must remember Vera Jo and continue our fight for what is right!!!!  

Words can't describe .....

So here I am writing about a situation that has my community in an uproar. The newspaper article that I have posted says it all. I have since found myself becoming a "Self-proclaimed" Humans right activist and becoming very involved with this situation!!

Yes maybe I'm becoming to involved but I can not stand for this, this poor helpless mother needs to have justice even if she can not speak for herself now!!

I made these in remembrance of her. Here is the newspaper article that explains it all!

http://www.thecourier.com/Issues/2011/Apr/02/ar_news_040211_story1.asp?d=040211_story1,2011,Apr,02&c=n

The naked truth is very ugly

So here I sit...

In front of this computer screen, eyes blurry, head spinning and sick to my stomach. I'm about to confess one of my biggest downfalls and I'm quite sure I will get a few comments in regards to it.

As some of you that read my blogs may have noticed my depression is in high gear. Well that is because I have once again quite taking my antidepressant. Yes I know that was stupid. I have started taking it again though but unfortunately it will take a while for it to kick in to it's full effect again.

I don't know why I do it. Every time, even though I tell myself I won't I get better, things start looking up, and boom I quite taking it thinking I don't need it. When this happens Eric and I have a battle of whits and we both end up with hurt feelings both of us feeling unappreciated and worthless.

However, I think I have finally pinpointed what MY problem is that is causing OUR problems. It's me in general. As you have read in previous post my weight has reached it's all time highest. This is my issue, my problem, my mood changer.

Growing up I was always heavy. Mostly because with my bone disorder there was a lot of things I couldn't do or just could do but was forbidden to. I could never get the exercise I needed because either it was to much pressure on my hips or because my mother and father felt it was to risky and I could get hurt and break something again. In turn I became the target of bullies being told to free willy as I walked through the halls. I was called Thunder thighs and people would  make cow sounds or act as if an earthquake was happening when I would walk past somebody.

Well after I was moved out and on my own I start exercising, riding my bike, taking diet pills and  starving myself. I got down to 115 pounds, I was excited because even though I did it the completely wrong and unhealthy way I got thin! I was so happy and proud of myself. Well along the way I got pregnant and the weight came back. After Brienna was born and Dane had walk out I didn't have time to eat I was to focused on the kids and making sure they had the food they needed. I was working 60 to 70 hours at M-tek and was trying to keep my head above ground. I ended up falling into a deep depression and again lost weight.

I was 135 pounds when Eric and I got together, This is actually a healthy weight for my body size.  Well like in many relationships I got lazy and got comfortable and quite focusing on myself. I put all of my time on trying to make the kids happy and Eric happy and gave up on myself. Well I did something about it. Yesterday I went to the doctors. Not only to find out that I have a severe sinus infection that has been the cause of my eyes clouding over but also to get help on my weight.

Starting tomorrow with careful supervision of my doctor I will be starting on Adipex. A diet pill with a great outcome of weight loss. Althought it is classified as an amphetamine it is given to those who are at hight risk for diebeates and heart problems due to weight. It can only be used 3 months at a time and I must be off of it for 6 months before I can restart taking it again.

So as of now I am 190 pounds hopefully within the next 6 moths I will be down to my 120-135!! Wish me luck!! The new me is on it's way!!

Open, Shut, Open, Shut

Oh the lessons I still have to learn....When I left off yesterday I spoke of how bad of a day I was having. Well today started the same way.

 I woke up at 4:30 not being able to see out of my right eye. I must have scratched it because I have had some real nasty crap coming out of it. Yesterday it felt like I had a piece of sand or an eyelash in it. It wasn't an itch feeling just that feeling of something in it. Well this morning it was matted shut. A few weeks ago Trystin had a case of pink eye in both eyes so luckily we had some medicated eye ointment which the doctor had said we could use should any of us get it. So I used it, better to be safe then sorry.

Well than nap time game and went. Lately trying to get Trystin to take a nap is a game all with in it's self. Well today was no different. She refused to take a nap today which I really could have used seeing as I went to bed at 10:30 last night but could not fall asleep until approximately 12:30 only to wake up at 4:30.

Well than Eric woke up. I said morning than he snapped at me because it was 55 degrees outside and I had cracked the windows open to air out the house. Gee, that just sets the mood.

If you don't know me very well I am one who tends to cower away from uncomfortable situations. Now before anybody goes and judges Eric yes he does have his moods but he has never, and I mean NEVER raised his hand at me and he has never called me names like fat ass or stupid bitch or other vulgar things that some abusive men say to their significant other.

I am on that as soon as any sort of authority is shown or somebodies voice is raised I back down. It doesn't even have to be at me, hell Eric's dad raises his voice about an issue at work I freak out. I guess this is why I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). A voice gets raised and I brace myself for the worst because I think I'm going to get hit like my dad used to do to me when I was younger.

Anyways, after that I just kind of kept my distance because if he wakes up in a bad mood it will just progress further and further and it will be a pointless argument about the stupidest thing and we will both say crap we didn't mean.

Needless to say I learned today that Eric and I need a code word so the other knows when they want them to just listen and not say a word. We really need to work on our communication skills big time if we want this to work out. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and ears open and I need to learn that everything that is said is not a direct attack towards me.....