Angels Among Us

I'm dedicating this song to everyone who has lost a loved one, but mostly to the 3 missing boys in Morenci, Michigan who were last seen on Thanksgiving. Let us all Pray for their safe return to their mother. This is for you Tanner, Andrew and Alexander.


Angles Among Us
By: Alabama

I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with thier mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

Damnification of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation to God. A normal human being who is among family would have feelings of excitement, be grateful, and would just down right be happy.

 As I entered my dinner gathering grounds that day I had planned to leave any disconcerns at the door step. I wanted to be drama free for a time and just enjoy my surroundings and my family. I walked into my grandmothers home excited to see all of my Aunt's (-1), my Uncle's (-2), my cousin's (-8 ), and my grandma. My biggest excitement was the fact that I would get to see my dad who I hadn't seen in almost 7 months. Sadly however as I walked into the door and my grandmother took my dish a chilling discomfort caused my body to become extremely tense.

Now I shouldn't have to go into complete detail as to why, but in case you are just tuning in short my dad and I have a really disheveled passed. This in turn has gotten me to begin counseling because I am absolutely confused by my feelings. To give you an example of one...How can I love my dad so much and be so proud of him for what he has done and is doing but yet still dislike him immensely? This is an answer I may never have but I will at least learn how to accept the fact of the matter.

We had arrived at my grandmother's around 12:30. My grandmother had greeted us at the door where most of the adults had gathered in the kitchen. I gave my cousin Katie a quick hug and retreated to the spare bedroom where my dad had been sleeping since moving in with my grandma. I called my children in and showed them where to place their coats, gave my final "behavior speech" and let them run free with their cousin's. I made my rounds making sure not to step on any toes or little fingers.

 I made my final resting place in front of Eric on the living room floor just like I used to do when I was little. There he was my dad. Eric and I made a small talk with him.We asked him about school and his graduation. I proceeded to talk about the "grand kids" when we were called to the basement to eat. I made my way to the table to get settled. Dad had chosen his seat next to me.

 Suddenly, I found myself uncomfortable and a little jealous. (This arrangement ended up being a disaster on my part because I ended up falling back into my old eating habits of shoveling food in my face like I always do when I'm nervous and or upset.) I had gotten up to get Dalton, Brienna's and Trystin's plate when I noticed Eric was getting a plate for my dad. Instantly I was slightly confused.

 I was glad my family got to see Eric's generosity exspecially my dad but why was Eric getting his plate? His legs were not broken? His hand still worked? So I looked up at him. The feeling of a knife twisting in my back grew the longer I looked. Why you asked? What did I see?

There was my dad seated in his chair feeding my cousin Katie's daughter! Now before you go and start telling me that I need to quit acting childish and stop being jealous please understand something! Ever since my children had been born my dad has "taken" very little intrest in them except when he had a girlfriend. He was in the delivery room  for the birth of my son. He would have never came to see Brienna if it was not for Melissa at the time.While I was living in Tiffin ( just blocks away from him ) and going through my separation from Dane he came to my apartment one or 2 times to visit. He took Dalton and Brie a few times to his house but only because he was dating Melissa.

While living in Findlay when Eric and I had first moved in together he had come for Thanksgiving and Christmas (and that was a one time thing in the 2 years we lived there). Eric and I had moved back to Tiffin after my dad had a heart attack so I could be closer to him. At this time I seen him more than I ever had only because he was dating Joyce. While with Joyce he never took Dalton and Brie for visits. He never came to Fostoria to see Trystin or I after she was born. However, he did come to the house where he did hold and feed Trystin.

Seeing him there with Mia, feeding her just bothered me. Why though? Was it because that Eric and I only live a total of 10 maybe 15 minutes from his school and he can't even seem to take a moment and come to our home (which we have invited him to many times but has only been here 3 times in the last 2 years) to see his own grand children? Was it because if he would have put that much effort and attention in to my kids they wouldn't be so unsure about him and would not be so uncomfortable when they are with him? Is it because I feel if he would give this much attention to my kids all the time then Trystin wouldn't cry or cling for dear life to Eric and I's neck when he is near? Whatever the reason maybe, it still bothers me now.

I know I haven't been the "perfect" daughter. Yes some of you may be saying where is your effort in the matter and  in all of this but if you truely knew my situation you would understand that I've always been the one to put in the effort and I'm tired of doing it. I never get anything in return but the feeling of guilt so I just quit.

I've had a failed marriage, my share of financial trouble's that my dad has had to take care off because I couldn't, I've have had a moment where a bad check (because of misunderstanding) landed me in jail for 3 hours. I have my times where my poor and lack there of judgment and a little bit of carelessness lead me in wrong directions. In all though what have I done to him for me to be treated this way? Why does he only call me to tell me a creditor for my past due school loan phoned him. He knows I've had a hard time finding a job with the economy the way it is, but he also knows that when I do find a job I do my best to hold on to it if it does not cause my body harm.

 I still have what I considered great accomplishments. I graduated high school, when I was in jail it wasn't because of drugs, or theft, or even because of violence. I have 3 beautiful healthy children. I all around have a gorgeous family that I am extremely proud of. I continue to try and improve and I have become a good mother who is nothing at all like my mom. So why?

In all, I was happy to be at my Thanksgiving feast with my family but the situation with my dad made it to where I did not completely enjoy it as much as I probably could of. I'm glad I have counseling tomorrow because my process to getting answers or at least accepting the outcome of all is in dire need right now.

What is really bad right now though is after writing this I'm begin to think I really am a complete screw up. Although that little voice in the back of my head is screaming I am not the feeling is drowning that voice out.

Mad World

Da-da-da-daaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! Ahh Yes it's another weekly instalment of "Connie's Song list". This song was originally sung by Tears for Fears but I myself feel Adam Lambert did the best with it! "Mad World"  has been on repeat for the last week in my van and my iPod! I hope you enjoy!!

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

Eminem "I'm Not Afraid"

Ahh, Yes you have guessed it another one of my songs from my collection. This is my empowering song. I will blare this song on my iPod or in my van when I run to the store.  Eminem is a rapper who is know to write about his feeling and his downfalls. I literally have every song he has ever wrote, sang and has ever been a part of in my ipod as well as my van. You will see many songs of his in my post if not tid bits. I pretty much know his entire life like the back of my hand and I can relate to him and his songs. This song does have explicit language so please except my apologies. Like I have said before look into the story and message not the words.

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Intro)

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

(Verse 1)

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Verse 2)
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground

Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

(Bridge)

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

(Verse 3)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

(Hook)

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

To Cope or Not to Cope

           Coping mechanism, an action or activity used when a person is placed in a stressful situation. This is a fight or flight response to every living thing weather it be human or animal.
         So let me ask., How do you cope? What are some activities you do? Have your coping mechanisms changed over the year? Do you cope different ways in different situations? When did you learn how to cope? Is there a coping mechanism that you find works better than others? Is this something else that should have been instilled in me when I was little? Well from what I think I was told yesterday....Yes it is.
          Apparently there are two different categories of coping mechanisms. There is a good coping way and a bad coping way. Did you know that? Really? Well why the hell didn't anyone tell me! All these years I was coping the way I had learn growing up. Here come to find out...(This will be a shocker to you, hope your sitting down) I was doing it WRONG!! Well that doesn't surprise me any.
          Yesterday I was told that in counseling we are going to work on my coping mechanisms. You see this is just going to be really tough on me. For so long I have done it the wrong way that now I don't even think twice about it, I just do it. It's just kind of programed in me now. If this lady can get me to cope differently than I must say she is good!!
          When I was a child and things got bad I would call my aunt and grandma and they would come save me for a weekend. They had gotten me involved in church so I guess church every Sunday was a way to cope with things at home. Then came choir, every Sunday night maybe Saturday's. I was there in church with my friends.
            Soon after that followed band and school choir. I got lost in the music of both my voice and my Flute. To let the worries flow through my fingers and to actually tell someone else's story for some reason was relaxing for me. As I got older though and I no longer had the pretty voice due to growing up and I had return the flute. I quit going to my aunts and grandma's about the same time my dad and mom had gotten a divorces so I had to turn to other methods. (This is where it may get a little graphic and may break some hearts and in that case I am sorry. Please remember the saying "You live what you learn")
             I started spending time with Lorie, (my best friend of 20 some years now). She too grew up in a rocky household. She had kept her homestead life a secret also. I don't remember exactly how or what had happened but she learned my secret. She soon spilled the beans about hers. We found ourselves as two peas in a pod. We were inseparable, where ever Lorie was I wasn't to far behind. The memories of us growing up are defiantly unforgettable. All of my first started with her except for two.
              I used to spend many nights at her house, pretty much living with for weeks on end sometimes. Lorie had her own way of teaching me how to say sorry I guess you can say. When we would get in a fight and it was my fault, she lock me in her bedroom closet until I said sorry. There were quite a few times I was late getting home because I refused to it. One night I remember Lorie and I had the house to ourselves. (We were both 14 at the time) Her mom and dad were out at the local bar again and her sister's were at their friends for the night. We got board and decided we were gonna try smoking. We raided her parents room and found a open pack of smokes and well here I am 15 years later I am still smoking. I have found that even though it is a BAD habit it does calm my nerves.
               Well than after that we had found our "dealer" and we would give them the money to get us smokes. My next door neighbor and my baby-sitter growing up started working at the drive thru so I was able to just go in and she would sell them to me. I finally ended up with a guilty conscience and told my mom that I had started smoking. She than just started buying them for me so Lorie and I always had them because then I would just share.
                I had my first taste of alcohol at Lorie's house. We used to have make-over nights. We would spend hours in her bathroom doing each others hair and make up. The radio would be blasting and we were just like any other teenage girl singing into the brushes and curling irons dancing around. While were washing and drying our hair one of those many nights, Lorie went to grab for a towel. There it was, a clear bottle with a water like liquid in it. Yes sirree my first drink was straight vodka.
                Oh my god it was horrible. It burned going down it was not smooth at all. Before we knew it Lorie and I had drank about half the bottle. We had a good buzz by this time because we were just little things and all we could think about was how much trouble we were going to be in. We did the only thing we could think of and that was put water in it to cover up our crime.
                 Soon after this my mom and dad had divorced and I moved. Instead of  living just 2 blocks away from Lorie I was now clear across town. Since I didn't have a bike, I was working full time, and we didn't have a phone we grew apart. We still talked at school and still shared a locker but that didn't stop us from going our separate ways from each other.
                 While living with my mom I used the TV and movies but some where along the line the movies got boring and well those who have had it knows that there is only so much on farmer vision you can watch.
Soon after my mom decided to live with her boyfriend Bill. I had work and school. I tried to study hard in school but the stress of being in charge of everything started to become to much. Listening to my CD player didn't even work anymore. Well I started hanging with my neighbors. This is where the really bad stuff comes in.
                I got involved with the wrong crowd which is easy to do when you have no parental supervision. This is when I really started getting involved with more alcohol and pot. It got to the point with the pot that one time I had asked my 5th period Algebra teacher for the bathroom pass and ran home to get high and came back to class. She never even suspected a thing.
                The drinking wasn't an everyday thing or even an every weekend but rather an every other weekend. It all depended on when my neighbors were in town. Well along with the drinking came the sex. I will not go into great detail in regards to this but I will say I was careful as I could be. This was my coping mechanism up until I was 21.
                 Now at 29 and having children, I can't turn to the alcohol or the drugs. I've seen first as well as second hand what this was like to have in a house with children. So at 22 after both of my children were born I apparently turn to fighting both verbally and physically. At first when things got stressful when I was with Dane, we would just yell and scream at each other. He had gotten physical with me a few times but if there is one thing I can say about Staci (yes my ex-mother in law that I now hate and yes I mean HATE with a passion) the first time she seen him hit me and hold me against my will right outside our house she came to my rescue and put the fear of god into him. It never happened again after that.
                  I can't say that now. At the beginning of Eric and I relationship I got physical.( I still, until this day feel like absolute shit because of this.) He had made a joke about how long it was taking to get dinner done. It had been a long day at work, my mother had pissed me off with her control bullshit ( this is still yet to come ), and the kids were fussy because my mom had not put them down for a nap at all that day. My attitude for the day was pretty much done for.
                  I took offense to his joke and we got into an argument. He had said "Man that's it I'm Fu*king out of here. In an instant I had a flashback and when Eric started walking out I seen Dane. I seen him walking out on me and the kids and I don't know what came over me at that moment I don't know why I did but I grabbed the hood of Eric's sweatshirt and tried to pull him back and said "Like hell you are". I don't really remember what had happen after that all I know is the look on his fear in his eyes.
                   I told him I was extremely sorry through tears of extreme hatred for myself. At that moment I was sure it was over. I braced myself for the words to come out of his mouth. They didn't he did say that if that ever happened again he was gone. I don't know maybe after my history with Dane he understood a little of what was going through my head. I really don't know. After that when we got into an argument I consciously tried to control my anger.
                  This worked for a while, that is until I started going to school. Things were going great but just like any "great" thing for me something ends up happening and screws it up. Findlay was hit with snow and winter rain. Our house at the time was right across the street from the water treatment plant. This should tell you how close to the river we were.
                    Well the Blanchard river had flooded and spewed over it's banks. We lost pretty much everything in our basement including my baby pictures of Dalton and Brienna. Luckily the kids were at their grandparents so I was able to make arrangements for them to stay there until we had our heat back.We ended up having one more flood before winter. This time the kids and I had to stay in a hotel until the landlord could get the furnace replace.
                     While all this was going on I had gotten a phone call from my aunt and grandma telling me my dad had a heart attack at work and he was sent up to St.Vincent. Eric had told me he would take care of the kids and I was to go. With all this going on my grades at school had fell from a 3.0 to a 1.9. I ended up having to quit school or they were going to dismiss me due to Academic performance. I would have rather had the quit on my record. ( I was in an LPN course at Brown Mackie, This was a school that had 1 course for 1 month and so on for a year. They were not very lenient)
                      This time with extremely high stress again Eric and I got into an argument. (It seems we only get into an argument when stress level is high) This time I was throwing things at him like telephone books and I think pillows and toys. Again I realized what I had done and braced myself. Nothing. He just told me I need to get my shit under control.
                      Well I haven't gotten physical with him or have thrown anything at him in over 3 years. Instead now I just verbally attack him. I point all his flaws that I have fallen in love with out. I will yell at him about things I don't agree with or just plain yell about absolutely nothing making me out to be the nut case. It's been really hard lately with this new bouts with my depression because he doesn't understand. He knows the story of my childhood or at least what I know and remember of it. So I guess all in all I do need to learn how to cope and learn how to relax. You know "Let Go, Let God".
                      I love Eric to death and between what I have done, failed to do and what he has done we don't have that picture perfect relationship, let alone we are not a perfect couple but we haven't given up on each other which is more than I can say for most people. We still continue to try day in and day out. Maybe things might not be so hard for us if my Dad wouldn't have told Eric that I'm just like my mother and I'm nothing but trouble and he should run now. Eric, should you ever read this (Although I know he won't but he does surprise me every once in awhile) I love you more than I can show you let alone know how to and I am truly sorry for my actions. I am trying to be a better person for my children and you. Should this all come to an end anyways Thank you for taking the time to get to know me and my children. I will always love you.
                       If there is one thing in 5 years I have learned about him it is this, If he doesn't accept it it doesn't exists. How am I sure of this you ask? Well if I haven't mentioned this before Eric lost his mom back in 2002 to Melanoma of a mole. Eric is covered in moles and there are a few that concerns me. I have told him and asked him many times to go to the doctor and have them checked. His response..."Nope, If I don't go and get them checked, I don't know so there for I don't have it".
                         I must give a great thanks to his step-mom, Jean,  Sean his brother, my aunts, and grandma as well as a few of my friends. They have been my support system and have given  me the encouragement to stay motivated to continue my "Road to Recovery". Thank you all for helping me and being my crying shoulder. Thank you for taking your time out to listen and reassure me. Not only am I doing this for me but I'm also doing this for my children and all of you! This is not who I was supposed to be and I know this now. I will be better and stronger as soon as I get over this wall of vulnerability. Hopefully all of them have the patience to see it and they understand my actions to certain things now and that this is not who I truly am!

The World I Know By: Collective Soul

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.

Unwell....The first of many

Here is one of the many songs that I relate too. This is Titled Unwell it is By Matchbox 20


All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Hey, how I used to be
How I used to be, yeah
Well I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be

The Musical Story

           As I've said before music has always played a big role in my life. When I became involved in music I was 8 or 9. I was part of my church youth choir. I would look forward to choir practice every Sunday night. I was always told I had a beautiful voice and even sang a solo in church at 10. My grandma and aunt was so proud of me. My grandma still has the taped recording of that Sunday service.
           In 5th grade I had told my aunt and grandma I wanted to become involved in choir and band. I don't remember as to how I ended up with the flute, all I can remember is my cousin Robyn had played it and she allowed me to use it. My aunt and grandma went to Forte' Music and bought me the required books I would need for the year. In them they had the fingering charts for the notes so I followed those charts and taught myself how to play it.
            It wasn't easy I'll tell you that much. I remember getting so frustrated because I just could not for the life of me get my fingers to bend and form the way they needed to. Finally after countless months, weeks, days and hours of practicing and a little help from my band director (I was lucky Mrs. Turner lived right across the street from my grandma and they were good friends) I got it!! I had the determination to learn the flute and by god I did.
            I stayed involved in band and choir until 10th grade. In those 5 years I learned that the flute was a coping mechanism. When things at home started to get bad I would take my flute and my sheet music of all kinds and disappear into my room or outside and play. (I'll say the times my mother was in and out of jail was when I became pretty darn good at it.) There were many times I was told to stop the "racket" but I just continued playing I didn't care. It helped me relax and fall into a different world that I was in a few moments before. Being older now I still miss my Flute daily. I still sit wishing I had that case with the most magical instrument in it so I can just let my everyday struggles and worries flow through my finger tips. Some day I will have one again but until then I just have to find a  substitute.
            In 10th grade my parents had finally divorced. My mom ended up moving into a cock roached infested apartment because at the time that was all she could afford. I chose to live with my mom only because she was the one I was around most of the time. Before my last box was loaded in the car I remember my dad yelling to me that If I left with her I shouldn't bother ever coming back around." I still ended up going with her. During this time my mom had become the AA/NA slut. Every weekend there was a different guy in our apartment. Again I felt like I was 7 years old sitting in some strangers living room while my mom "screwed" him for her next fix.
             My 16th birthday came along and I was told I had to get a job and work full time to help my mom with rent and utilities. So I did. My first job was at Apac Teleservices. Yep I was a telemarketer. After working there for about 2 months my mom became involved with Bill. Man I hated him. He had pop bottle glasses, no front teeth, long blond hair but bald on the top and he was an absolute pervert! He was always making sexual comments to me. Anytime he came around I felt sick. One night my mom and I had gotten into a huge fight over him. I told her how much I hated him and his remarks but she insisted she was in love with him.
               My mom started going to his house in Fostoria. After about 2 months of this she just decide she would stay there. So there I was 16 years old working full-time, going to school and alone. I would only see my mom on the weekends when she stopped in to give me money for the week for food, her part of the bills and take me grocery shopping. Many nights I would sit at home watching a movie or farmer vision eating pizza because we didn't have a refrigerator. Any milk we had or any food that required refrigeration we kept in a cooler filled with ice on our back porch. Needless to say nothing kept long. During this time I had saved up enough money to by me a CD player/radio combo. It became my best friend.
               This living situation lasted for a year and half until someone got wind of it and called my mom's probation officer. My mom got popped with a probation violation and shipped her off to jail. I ended up staying with a few of my mom's friends but ultimately ended back with my dad.
               Music has been a life saving tool to me. Don't ask me how but it has. In the beginning I was intrigued by the melody and harmony. I learned that you can always tell what type of mood or feeling was behind it. By listening to Phantom of The Opera I found out a story can be told by that melody and harmony. As time went on and I got older I began to focus more on the words. I seen that the ways I have felt and the many situations I've been in were being explained in the words. The artist themselves were asking for help, soul searching, or calling out to a loved one.
                One Christmas Eric's dad had gotten me what I still see as the greatest gift ever. He had bought all 3 of us ( Sean, Eric and I) an Ipod. Mine has defiantly gotten it's use and has had it's wear and tear! In it I have over 500 different song that not only tell the story of the artist that wrote and sings them but tells my story as well. Some will tell stories of my past, some will tell you how I'm feeling at this exact moment, and some will tell you what I want out of my future. In all the songs will tell you about my soul, who I am, and even the people who I have loved, do love and have lost.
                I will warn you now that I will post many songs through out my whole blogging process. I do this because I am frequently in a loss for words and the song will express my feelings and emotions at that particular moment. Some that I post are songs that I would like played at my funeral and even some that I would like played at my wedding (should this actually ever happen) Please do not take them offensive for some will have inappropriate language. Do as I do and focus on the message and the story rather the words because they will tell you much more than you can think. I will now say my farewells but I will return soon. I'm going to leave you with a few of my favorite musical quotes.
               

"If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music".  ~Gustav Mahler

"Music is what feelings sound like".  ~Author Unknown

"I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours.  But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places.  Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality".  ~H.A. Overstreet

 

The Pedastal On and off part 2

    "Please be advised this blog may bring unwanted feelings and haunting memories to those involved. Please forgive me and accept my sincere apologies. This was not my intentions when I began to write this. It was to show that I had an epiphany."



       As you may have read in my last blog I have decided to quit running from my demons. What I did not tell you is what triggered my feelings and the series of event that led up to this. If this sounds as if I'm rambling on I'm sorry.

            It started back in September. It was Brienna's birthday. I always get excited for my children's birthday because it's one of 2 days a year I can try and spoil them. It is also an excellent time for my kids to get reassured they are loved by other's than just Eric and I. Well her birthday came and she got birthday wishes from everyone. Everyone that is but one person, My dad. I shrugged it off and made an excuse for it just like with any other time he has ever let me down. He's busy with school, he was at a clinical, etc, etc.
           Well than September 17th I had called and asked him if he was going to be going to a family reunion for the Hampshire side. He had told me "No, he had pre-cepts (another type of Clinical) and I said "Awesome that means Eric and I can take Brie out to go shopping for her birthday and we can have an extra family day before Eric leaves for Virgina on Sunday. Again, Nothing. No "Oh Crap I completely forgot" Or "Damn it, Tell her Happy belated birthday from me" Well after that there was a slight change in my attitude. Not a very noticeable one, but there was.
           While Eric was in Virgina it had went to an all new level. Two incidents had actually happened while he was there. Sean, Eric and I were told that our Landlord had knocked up his girlfriend and that we were going to have to move out because he wanted to move back in. After that one of his friends who is a girl texted me and told me that her and her husband were separating. 
            I was all supportive and all until she said I would have said something to you sooner but I had to tell Eric first. Oh boy, did shit hit my brain instantly!! God bless and a huge Thanks to my hopefully soon to be mother in law Jean because after that I was texting her left and right to try and get a little reassurance that Eric would want absolutely nothing to do with her except for just a friendship.
           Soon after that my insomnia started and I began getting only 3 to 4 hours sleep tops. I had my nights of uncontrollable crying, paranoia, as well as anxiety attacks. I realized then that I was in trouble. Usually at this time I can pull myself out of it but nothing started working not even Eric's Good Morning/Night Beautiful or his "I'm glad I love you too and I'm glad you Love me" text. I called up my family doctor and made an appointment to see about getting started back on my meds. (Since Eric and I had both been working we were not eligible for medicaid and we couldn't afford the medicine without insurance.) When I went into the doctors office I was in mid anxiety attack so he was able to see I wasn't lying when I said I was at one time diagnosed with generalized anxiety. I received my Welbutrin and Xanax.
            Eric returned home but my insecurity had already set in! Eric started working 50 to 60 hour weeks and so our time together moved to a few slim hours during the week.You would think I would be thinking "Great things are starting to pick up for him out there finally." Nope, automatically I started thinking "Oh my god he's always saying he loves the time with the family but yet hes working all these hours. Great I'm loosing my appeal to him he thinks I'm fat and ugly."
           Well soon came my birthday. I woke up at 4am, I tossed and turned for about another hour and finally got up. I came downstairs, started my coffee, went to the bathroom, and had my morning cigarette. I came in grabbed my coffee, sat down at the computer and logged into my Facebook account. I was quite surprised as to how many Happy Birthday wishes I had. Honestly however none of them mattered. The one I had my hopes on was one from my dad. Mail had come I was excited I ran to the mailbox just like I would when I was little to see who "remembered me"  to find a card from my Grandma and Eric's Grandma. I had received nothing from my Dad. I told myself it's okay he still might call. As 8:00 came I had realized it wasn't going to happen. Again let down and disappointed by my father.
            Eric tried to help me by saying "hes been really busy with school and any other thing a person could think of to try and make a situation better, but I knew better....all they were to me was excuses. He didn't even send a card or call Dalton for his. The way I feel is "Fine you can do this to me but don't do it to your own grandchildren!!" The thing that made the matter harder...My Dad called me the day before to ask me about my whole moving situation because my grandma had told him about it. Sadly the whole time he was talking to me about it in my head I was thinking "Why do you care? You've only been here twice in the 2 years we've been here and I only live 15 minutes away from your school.
            Well after all of this I had to run to Tiffin to get Trystin's birth certificate. While Trystin and I were in town I had stopped by my Grandma's to give her and (I don't know why but) my dad Dalton and Brienna's school pictures. While there we got to talking about my dad. I was absolutely appalled by what I heard. My grandma had told me that my dad made her mow her own yard (which is a very big yard) on a broken ankle that she had just broke not even a week before. She then proceeded to tell me that he had just been getting down right nasty with her and telling her to go to hell for just a slight example!! She also told me that my dad has always been like this even in his early childhood. As a little kid he had treated my grandmother, his own mother like shit. After my Grandma, who is a very independent woman and has lived on her own for quite sometime now allowed him to move into her home while he went to school , he treats her like this?!  This then made me question my own relationship with my mother. Was the way I'm treating her really feasible and excusable for the hell she put me through, allowed me to witness, and did to me and Eric?
             By now I have been on my Wellbutrin for about a month and a half and well this whole depression is worse than it was before. Last week on Wednesday, Eric had woke up and asked me what was wrong. I proceeded to tell him about how Trystin has got me on my last nerve because of her "Terrible 2's" and about my insecurities. I told him how I wanted to lose my weight and start exercising. I had told him that I would like to start walking a few times a week without Trystin and before I could even get "Because it's getting to cold for her to be out" he started jumping my shit. He had assumed that I was going to start "bitching" about not having any time away from the kids. Well just as any relationship a huge argument broke out and things were said that shouldn't have been.
             This definitely was not what had on my agenda when I said I wanted to be a different person. I didn't want to add to my already altered personality! Actually I think that this was my last straw because I have been an emotional wreck for the last week. I've been crying at least everyday since. In one of my crying episodes I had called my Aunt Dawn for some comfort. She is real good at calming me down and helping make sense of certain situations being as she 100 percent knows everything about my childhood. Hell I'm quite sure she even knows more than I do she just doesn't want to tell me now for fear of what it may do to me.
          I bawled to her saying that this has got to stop. I told her that I've ran from my childhood for far to long. I've swept them under the rug, pretended it never happened, and partially ignored the signs. It's time I face these demons before this pain get to the point where I lose everything. She told me she knew this was going to happen, she just didn't know when.(Does this constitute as my so called mid-life crisis.) She than apologized to me again for the hundredth time for me having to go through that and reassured me that her and my grandma tried their damnedest to try and get me out of that household. ( Just a reminder this was in the 80's and early 90's child abuse was a subject that shouldn't be touched upon.)
           My Aunt Dawn and I then began to talk about my trip to my Grandma's. We started talking about how my dad was treating her. She gave me an even more detail description of my dads behavior. Then she hit me with a jaw dropping gut retching piece of her past. Not only was my dad down right verbally nasty to my grandma but also used to beat up on my aunt.
           I instantly felt sick and had to sit down. I swallowed the lump I had in my throat. I felt my life just swirl around me. Pain that I had never even given a second thought to, that I had bottled up inside, memories I had blocked out, emotions that I cannot even begin to explain bubbled over like a flow of lava from Mauna Lua. Things were starting to become clearer for me. The acquired feeling I had always sensed when my 2 aunts, my grandmother and my father were in the same room was fear and tension! The same thing I had and still feel after all these years.
             After I got off the phone with Dawn I sat in complete horror and shock. Did I honestly just hear what I thought I heard? Than I began to ask myself, "Have I been told this before and I just blocked it out like many other things"? "No, I couldn't of. If I would have heard this I wouldn't of had such high hopes that my father would turn into my picture perfect Daddy growing up and now". "Wait maybe I did and that's why I verbally attacked my aunt and grandma and quit spending so much time over there after a certain age".
             I than had another flashback. This one took me back to when I was 16 maybe 17 years old. Back to when I was dating P.J. (Yes you've seen this name before, he is the one who towards the end continued to call me fat and cheat on me.) it was the summer of my Junior year in high school. P.J and I had managed to come up with money to drive down to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for a week. (This is a happy memory up until the end and some day I will come back to it and give details) On our way back we were about an hour away from Columbus, Ohio. I knew my Aunt Tracy had moved there and thought that maybe P.J. and I could stop in and see her. I hadn't had any contact with her except for a few passed along messages from my Grandma and Aunt Dawn. I called up my Aunt Dawn and asked her for Tracy's phone number. I dialed the cell phone excited for what I thought I was going to hear.
             The phone rang on the other end and then I heard the click of the phone being lifted to the ear. I heard my Aunt Tracy's cheerful voice saying "Hello". With excitement and joy I said "Hi Aunt Tracy it's Connie. I'm close to Columbus on my way home from South Carolina and I was wondering if I could stop by and see you!!" Silence on the other end, I wasn't sure if she had heard me correctly and hung up on me. Then she spoke, Her voice had changed in an split second and I didn't understand as to why. She said "Now is not a good time Connie. I really just can't do it. I'm sorry."  I said "That's Okay maybe some other time then" and hung up. I remember I started crying because at the time I had gotten my hope up. I kept telling myself she was just busy getting ready for a football game or something else. Now I find myself asking  "Was it because she to was still fighting the demons of my dad's wrath? Had he beat her too? Did seeing me cause her to have flashbacks that she just wasn't ready for?"
                I felt so much pain that all I wanted to do was scream. Not only did my dad ruined my childhood but has now ruined my adulthood as well. So much for that father/daughter relationship. I'm now starting to understand why he had said to me one day that if I ever had kids he would have them taken from me. It's because he knew I was gonna end up like I am now. The only thing I don't think he anticipated on though was I'm a fighter and I will not continue this evil circle. I will beat this and I will be an even better person and parent than him!! Nobody and I mean Nobody will tell me I can't!
            

The Pedestal On or Off....

    This will be a two part blog.....

 The relationship between a father and daughter is one of a kind. That is if it is a healthy one.  They share a remarkable love and they can share their own little secrets. This relationship between the father and daughter is very important for the daughter later on in the future as she grows and becomes a woman. This relationship not only build trust but allows the daughter to have a healthy relationship with a man. If the girl has a great relationship with her father her chances of divorce later in life is decreased and her marriage will be happier. However let me just say this is what I have read, been told, and is all just hearsay to me. I have never witnessed this let alone felt any of the so-called "Unconditional Love."
       My dad was never really around when I was growing up. When he was he was either fighting and beating my mom, yelling at me, throwing me or throwing something at me, hitting me or high as a kite. If we would go on family vacations it almost always involved a bag of weed and rolling papers, harsh and nasty words and ended in a nasty fight and a scary ride home.
       As a child I was involved in choir both school and church as well as band. I loved that time of my life just because just like it is now music was an escape for me. Many night's I've sat with my iPod in the dark getting lost in the words of many musicians. There are times I wish I still had a flute so I can sit, play and relax. One of my favorite pieces to play on the flute is Andrew Lloyd Webber's Think of Me. My how I love that song. My Aunt Dawn actually introduced me to Phantom of the Opera at a young age. She used to have the soundtrack and there were many times I would go into the back bedroom which is now the computer room at my Grandma's house and listen to it over and over. As I got older we also sang a lot of Andrew Lloyd Webber songs in choir Think of Me being one of them.
        During my choir and band years my mom would come but I have no recollection of my dad ever being at one of my choir and band preformances. I remember waiting for my dad to get off of work and pick me up and take me to school and that was the only time I seen him until the next morning. He worked 3rd shift and slept during 2nd shift so I never seen him. As I got older and his abusive pattern became more and more frequent I began to welcome this rotation.
         Growing up I just like any other little girl loved my daddy. Why I don't know. Maybe it was because I was a young child and didn't know any better. Maybe it was because I was always hopeful that something in him would click and all of the abuse would stop. Either way all through out my 29 years of living he has been on and off  the pedestal that every little girl places their father on. Our relationship has always been strained and now it has become apparent that he is the cause of my underlying problems today.
           For the longest time I have ran from my childhood. I have blocked it out and tried to forget the way my parents were to me. I just sweep it under the rug and ignore any signs that came across to me as I grew up that I would see trouble in the near future and dismissed it. I always thought all of my feelings and reactions to everything was normal to a little girl, teenage adolescent, and young woman. The fact that I cannot trust anyone I thought was always because my friends always did something to ruin it. I never really put the blame on my parents into my early 20's Well I have recently realized everything that has been going on in my head and around me is NOT normal and things I thought I would learn through out my life are things I SHOULD HAVE learned as a child. I am now admitting to myself I do have a problem and If I do not face them and work to fix them now I will never have a healthy relationship with anyone except my 3 angles. I will be alone with nobody to blame but myself because I just looked away.