Oh how to start this blog? I could start it out by revealing the list of good news that I have received in the past week but I want to build the suspense so I will start it out with the current demons that I'm fighting with and end it with a happy thought.
Lately I have felt very insecure. Eric and I have went to having all day and night together down to maybe 3 hours a day 4 at the most together. Eric has been working anywhere from 50 to 60 hours a week for the last month and a half. With him working 2nd shift it leaves very little time with him. He has been working from 4:30 pm to 3 in the morning. He leaves the house at 3:45 because he gives a guy a ride to work and he doesn't get home till 3:30 am. By the time he gets home, eats and finally winds down it's already 5am by the time he gets to bed and falls asleep. If I'm having a really bad night of tossing and turning and my snoring starts up it may even be later. When he does get up it's about 1, 1:30. He has his 2 cups of coffee to wake up, eats and then takes a shower by that time I have to go and pick up the kids. When I get home he has enough time to tell the kids he loves them and tells them to be good and help me out and then he's out the door. Being as I really did not get much attention from my parents growing up I thrived on the "family time" we used to have before he got this job. This is a big change for me and it's out of my comfort and confidence zone. I let my imagination get in the way and over power the common sense. I let past relationship experience cloud my judgement and it just down right messes with my emotions. Confused, I'll give you an example.
When Dane and I were married and he actually had a job ( I supported him and I for most of our relationship) He was chosen to go to North Carolina to inspect some parts from Tahoe that were bad. He was down there for 3 weeks. We talked when he had the chance which wasn't much but being my longest relationship ever and he was the father of my children I believed him anytime he said he was in the plant. Not to mention he didn't know anybody down there so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. At this time I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with Brienna. After he returned he seemed very distant. He wasn't huggy lovey dovey like he used to be before he left. About a week after he came back I was induced with Brienna. He pretty much slept the entire time. 3 days later he walked out and I found out he had cheated on me with more than 7 different girls 2 of them being down in North Carolina and one on the night Brienna was born in our own home.
Now knowing that story you can only imagine what was running through my head while he was gone in Virgina for 2 weeks. The only difference is Eric has never cheated on me but because of past relationships I still feel I'm not worthy of love and still have a little inkling and think he would. If you understand that at all. It's really hard to explain because I am just no good with words.
Now on to my second demon. My weight! That has always been a struggle of mine. I'm not happy with myself and it reflects daily on my facebook statuses and what not. I'm not happy about my weight or comfortable in my own skin. It gets even worse around that "Monthly Visit". However, I now have a plan that may change that. My girlfriend and I are planning on walking around the Findlay reservoir, which is 5 miles in diameter 3 times a week. That along with a strict 1500 to 1800 calorie diet and some yoga on the days I don't walk, I should reach my healthy weight goal of 120 to 130 pounds in 4 to 5 months. The challenge of it is actually sticking to the 1500 to 1800, fighting my craving, and doing the walking exspecially since winter is right around the cornor.
On top of all this we still have not found a house yet. We still have 4 months but still, the stress of having to move again and in the winter to boot is to much. HUD still has not got back with any of us and the wait is stressful. My medicines seem to be working except for when I was on 7 meds total for a severe allergic reaction and a sinus/chest infection. 3 of those meds counter acted and caused me to have so sleep issues. I'm still worn out from the cold but I'm getting better day by day.
So now with all the bad news out the way on to the good news and the happy ending. I was informed yesterday that Eric will be getting moved to 1st shift here in the next few months if all works out well. This is good news to me because not only will our "family time" be back to the way it used to be but I will also be able to find a part time job, one that doesn't require me to drive around and deliver pizzas in a town I barely know! The other good news is something I honestly thought would never happen again! If all works out after a few months after the first of the year I will officially be Mrs. Eric Hutchins!!!! Now the reason I thought it would never happen is because for the last 3 years he told me we wouldn't get married until all my debts from before him were paid off. Well I think now he is realizing just how hard that is to do with kids and other financial responsibilities. The other day he had me call up and look into the cost of the marriage license and judge to preform the ceremony!
As a little girl I always dreamed of a traditional fairy tale wedding but that was also when I still hoped my parents would get their act together and start saving for my college and wedding day but thanks to my mothers spending and their drug use that just never happened. Because Eric and I would have to pay for everything ourselves we just can't afford to cater to at least 50 to 75 people, the decorations and the reception hall. So we are just going simple. My 2 best friends will be apart of it as my witnesses, my kids, Eric's brother and one of his friends as his witnesses. His Dad and step mom and my Dad (should he actually come), My grandma, and my Aunt Dawn. I'd love for my Aunt Tracy to come as well but I don't think she would be able to make it. Eric says later on down the road after we have some money saved up then we can have the traditional wedding for when we renew our vows.
Which leads me to my "special project". My wedding vows. This is a very difficult task for me because I've never been good of describing my feelings in words. I've never been good at showing them either but again I blame that on my parents as well. November 12th will be Eric and I 5 year anniversary. In the 5 years we have split twice. At those times he has gotten me to do something I've never done and that was talk about what was wrong,what bothers me and figure out how "WE" can fix it and make it better. He has never given up on me or the kids. God knows there have been plenty of times where I would have completely understood should he have looked at me and said "I can't do this anymore. I'm done". We are a good team. He has helped me realize who I am, who I want to become, and how to try and achieve my dreams. He takes care of me and my kids instead of use me and has shown me that I truly am worthy of being loved.
Huh...well isn't that funny. I just wrote my true feeling right now. Well with that being said I am off to continue with my vows and everything else I usually do while Trystin takes a nap. Until next time I will continue to stay positive and smile as I hope you all do too!!
