So here I sit...
In front of this computer screen, eyes blurry, head spinning and sick to my stomach. I'm about to confess one of my biggest downfalls and I'm quite sure I will get a few comments in regards to it.
As some of you that read my blogs may have noticed my depression is in high gear. Well that is because I have once again quite taking my antidepressant. Yes I know that was stupid. I have started taking it again though but unfortunately it will take a while for it to kick in to it's full effect again.
I don't know why I do it. Every time, even though I tell myself I won't I get better, things start looking up, and boom I quite taking it thinking I don't need it. When this happens Eric and I have a battle of whits and we both end up with hurt feelings both of us feeling unappreciated and worthless.
However, I think I have finally pinpointed what MY problem is that is causing OUR problems. It's me in general. As you have read in previous post my weight has reached it's all time highest. This is my issue, my problem, my mood changer.
Growing up I was always heavy. Mostly because with my bone disorder there was a lot of things I couldn't do or just could do but was forbidden to. I could never get the exercise I needed because either it was to much pressure on my hips or because my mother and father felt it was to risky and I could get hurt and break something again. In turn I became the target of bullies being told to free willy as I walked through the halls. I was called Thunder thighs and people would make cow sounds or act as if an earthquake was happening when I would walk past somebody.
Well after I was moved out and on my own I start exercising, riding my bike, taking diet pills and starving myself. I got down to 115 pounds, I was excited because even though I did it the completely wrong and unhealthy way I got thin! I was so happy and proud of myself. Well along the way I got pregnant and the weight came back. After Brienna was born and Dane had walk out I didn't have time to eat I was to focused on the kids and making sure they had the food they needed. I was working 60 to 70 hours at M-tek and was trying to keep my head above ground. I ended up falling into a deep depression and again lost weight.
I was 135 pounds when Eric and I got together, This is actually a healthy weight for my body size. Well like in many relationships I got lazy and got comfortable and quite focusing on myself. I put all of my time on trying to make the kids happy and Eric happy and gave up on myself. Well I did something about it. Yesterday I went to the doctors. Not only to find out that I have a severe sinus infection that has been the cause of my eyes clouding over but also to get help on my weight.
Starting tomorrow with careful supervision of my doctor I will be starting on Adipex. A diet pill with a great outcome of weight loss. Althought it is classified as an amphetamine it is given to those who are at hight risk for diebeates and heart problems due to weight. It can only be used 3 months at a time and I must be off of it for 6 months before I can restart taking it again.
So as of now I am 190 pounds hopefully within the next 6 moths I will be down to my 120-135!! Wish me luck!! The new me is on it's way!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Open, Shut, Open, Shut
Oh the lessons I still have to learn....When I left off yesterday I spoke of how bad of a day I was having. Well today started the same way.
I woke up at 4:30 not being able to see out of my right eye. I must have scratched it because I have had some real nasty crap coming out of it. Yesterday it felt like I had a piece of sand or an eyelash in it. It wasn't an itch feeling just that feeling of something in it. Well this morning it was matted shut. A few weeks ago Trystin had a case of pink eye in both eyes so luckily we had some medicated eye ointment which the doctor had said we could use should any of us get it. So I used it, better to be safe then sorry.
Well than nap time game and went. Lately trying to get Trystin to take a nap is a game all with in it's self. Well today was no different. She refused to take a nap today which I really could have used seeing as I went to bed at 10:30 last night but could not fall asleep until approximately 12:30 only to wake up at 4:30.
Well than Eric woke up. I said morning than he snapped at me because it was 55 degrees outside and I had cracked the windows open to air out the house. Gee, that just sets the mood.
If you don't know me very well I am one who tends to cower away from uncomfortable situations. Now before anybody goes and judges Eric yes he does have his moods but he has never, and I mean NEVER raised his hand at me and he has never called me names like fat ass or stupid bitch or other vulgar things that some abusive men say to their significant other.
I am on that as soon as any sort of authority is shown or somebodies voice is raised I back down. It doesn't even have to be at me, hell Eric's dad raises his voice about an issue at work I freak out. I guess this is why I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). A voice gets raised and I brace myself for the worst because I think I'm going to get hit like my dad used to do to me when I was younger.
Anyways, after that I just kind of kept my distance because if he wakes up in a bad mood it will just progress further and further and it will be a pointless argument about the stupidest thing and we will both say crap we didn't mean.
Needless to say I learned today that Eric and I need a code word so the other knows when they want them to just listen and not say a word. We really need to work on our communication skills big time if we want this to work out. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and ears open and I need to learn that everything that is said is not a direct attack towards me.....
I woke up at 4:30 not being able to see out of my right eye. I must have scratched it because I have had some real nasty crap coming out of it. Yesterday it felt like I had a piece of sand or an eyelash in it. It wasn't an itch feeling just that feeling of something in it. Well this morning it was matted shut. A few weeks ago Trystin had a case of pink eye in both eyes so luckily we had some medicated eye ointment which the doctor had said we could use should any of us get it. So I used it, better to be safe then sorry.
Well than nap time game and went. Lately trying to get Trystin to take a nap is a game all with in it's self. Well today was no different. She refused to take a nap today which I really could have used seeing as I went to bed at 10:30 last night but could not fall asleep until approximately 12:30 only to wake up at 4:30.
Well than Eric woke up. I said morning than he snapped at me because it was 55 degrees outside and I had cracked the windows open to air out the house. Gee, that just sets the mood.
If you don't know me very well I am one who tends to cower away from uncomfortable situations. Now before anybody goes and judges Eric yes he does have his moods but he has never, and I mean NEVER raised his hand at me and he has never called me names like fat ass or stupid bitch or other vulgar things that some abusive men say to their significant other.
I am on that as soon as any sort of authority is shown or somebodies voice is raised I back down. It doesn't even have to be at me, hell Eric's dad raises his voice about an issue at work I freak out. I guess this is why I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). A voice gets raised and I brace myself for the worst because I think I'm going to get hit like my dad used to do to me when I was younger.
Anyways, after that I just kind of kept my distance because if he wakes up in a bad mood it will just progress further and further and it will be a pointless argument about the stupidest thing and we will both say crap we didn't mean.
Needless to say I learned today that Eric and I need a code word so the other knows when they want them to just listen and not say a word. We really need to work on our communication skills big time if we want this to work out. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and ears open and I need to learn that everything that is said is not a direct attack towards me.....
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Uncharted feeling until now...
So lately I have felt extremely worthless...I have no car which in turn means I can't have a job. What triggered these feelings, well here is my week in a run down.
Dalton was in the emergency room Thursday Morning because Brienna accidentaly shut his fingers of his left hand in the car door not once but twice. This accident resulted in a broken finger. It was a chipped break right at the growth plate. I myself was able to stay calm because of my bone disorder I know that if he would have gotten it it could have been a lot worse. He had an appointment with the orthopedist this morning and he said it was healing and there was no need to rebreak it. So that is an upside of things.
Through all of this I have been sick. I average about 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night either because Trystin wakes up 2 if not 3 times a night or because I snore and Eric can't fall asleep when my snoring gets so bad so he wakes me up.
My weight has reach an all time high of 190 pounds. With stress levels here elevated to a code red my emotional eating has kicked in and I'm to tired to even attempt to exercise. This in turn has began to reek havoc on my body. My knee cracks daily and shoots pain up and down my leg. My back is killing me. Why doesn't Eric let me sleep well I'll tell you why. Eric is up to working 10 hour days 6 days a week. Me being me I allow him to get more sleep than me because he needs it more not to mention even during the week he to only averages 5 hours of sleep a night. He is at more of a risk to get hurt than me. He is the one who needs to stay focused so he doesn't get run over by a semi or crash his tow-motor into a wall.
Earlier tonight Eric and I got into an argument because he feels like a failure. I asked him why he felt like a failure. I told him he is the one with a job and he is the one who pays the bills. I also told him that he was the one holding the family together. I asked him what do I do and then said Nothing. It is all him. I told him he was doing a great job and I thanked him for it. He in turn said I was making it about me and his feeling doesn't matter. Really? What the hell else am I supposed to say? I was trying to be supportive and again like I always do I apparently screwed up.
All in all right now I am not happy about myself or the situation.
Dalton was in the emergency room Thursday Morning because Brienna accidentaly shut his fingers of his left hand in the car door not once but twice. This accident resulted in a broken finger. It was a chipped break right at the growth plate. I myself was able to stay calm because of my bone disorder I know that if he would have gotten it it could have been a lot worse. He had an appointment with the orthopedist this morning and he said it was healing and there was no need to rebreak it. So that is an upside of things.
Through all of this I have been sick. I average about 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night either because Trystin wakes up 2 if not 3 times a night or because I snore and Eric can't fall asleep when my snoring gets so bad so he wakes me up.
My weight has reach an all time high of 190 pounds. With stress levels here elevated to a code red my emotional eating has kicked in and I'm to tired to even attempt to exercise. This in turn has began to reek havoc on my body. My knee cracks daily and shoots pain up and down my leg. My back is killing me. Why doesn't Eric let me sleep well I'll tell you why. Eric is up to working 10 hour days 6 days a week. Me being me I allow him to get more sleep than me because he needs it more not to mention even during the week he to only averages 5 hours of sleep a night. He is at more of a risk to get hurt than me. He is the one who needs to stay focused so he doesn't get run over by a semi or crash his tow-motor into a wall.
Earlier tonight Eric and I got into an argument because he feels like a failure. I asked him why he felt like a failure. I told him he is the one with a job and he is the one who pays the bills. I also told him that he was the one holding the family together. I asked him what do I do and then said Nothing. It is all him. I told him he was doing a great job and I thanked him for it. He in turn said I was making it about me and his feeling doesn't matter. Really? What the hell else am I supposed to say? I was trying to be supportive and again like I always do I apparently screwed up.
All in all right now I am not happy about myself or the situation.
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