To one of the many enemies....

        I haven't been able to sleep for the last week. Every night it's the same routine, Get the kids a shower, get their teeth brushed, tuck them into bed and then read them their bedtime story of either Dr. Seuss or Trystin's favorite Winnie the Pooh A to Zzz. If needed, I'll attempt to sing Trystin to sleep even though my voice isn't as good as it used to be, but she doesn't care as long as she has her "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" she is happy. I give my kisses and hugs, Good nights, and I love yous and I make my way downstairs to what any parent of  3 would see as a heaven....Silence!
        Not me though, No I see it as a dangerous environment. Why might you ask? Because I know that everything that keeps my mind going at full speed has now come to an end. I know my mind is out to get me. I sit down and try to read a book, watch a movie, get on Facebook, hell I've even gone as far as to trying Yoga and still the power of the mind becomes to strong for me to stop! Silence is my worst enemy. Maybe it's because my mom and dad fought all the time, maybe it's because my aunt and my Grandma always had kids running around either way I hate it!
       When there is silence my mind starts the who, what, when, where, why scenarios. I start thinking who is walking past my house, What was that thing I forgot to do earlier today, When is so and so supposed to call me, Where is my chance in life to become that mom I know I'm meant to be, Why is it that every time it's time for me my brain malfunctions and steers me in the wrong direction?
        I try to listen to my Ipod because at one time I used to love music! I honestly think I was the only 16 year old cruising through Tiffin blaring "America" by Neil Diamond as loud as she could. But no not now, now I listen to music and memories overwhelm me. Good memories that I wish I could go back to, memories of people I've lost, memories of a time in my life that had little or no confusion.
        What else can I do though? I can't bare to have silence and I can't listen to my Ipod. My attention span now has become as bad as my 2 year old, so I can't even really get into a book before I start getting confused and overwhelmed by it.
        Exercise, pfft you have to have drive to do that. When I even start to get that little inkling to walk somewhere I think of something better that has to be done now, because goodness sake I wait til later it won't get done.
        One thing I have noticed about myself is I try to do everything at once. I also don't know how to take it one day at a time. I overwhelm myself and it's not good for me or my kids. This next 2 weeks are going to be hell for me, already my stomach is doing somersaults and twist because I'm just waiting for the phone call on weather or not I get the job! I hope I do. If I do maybe I'll be stronger to overcome my mind and thoughts because either way I'll have my sense of pride back! Until than the silence is my worst enemy besides myself!

Introduction I guess...

        Here I am trying this whole blogging thing recommended to me by my Aunt Tracy. I really am no good at writing. 12 years ago I might have been back when I was in school and still taking English! So if my paragraphs, grammar and sentences are incomplete, a little off, a double negative is used or a word is misspelled please remember I do this to adhere my sanity to me and not radiate off in the wrong direction and on to the wrong person. So here we go.
         My Name is Constance Estelle. I was born October 5th 1981 in Tiffin, Ohio to John D. and Rebecca S. Hampshire. I am an only child so I'm selfish and some may think a little spoiled. Although as I continue my blogging and release my hatred and confusion some may feel differently.  I am the mother of 3 beautiful children who amaze me more and more everyday. I am also engaged to and madly head over heels in love to a man who I have seriously wronged and hurt due to my misunderstanding and up bringing. He has put up with a hell of a lot and I cannot begin to show my gratitude and appreciation towards him. He has taken on the responsibility of a father to 2 children that are not his, as well as his own and has put up with my demons and yet still has not given up on me. I have one fail marriage under my belt, I have a Bone disorder and I'm bi-polar.I may insult, upset and infuriate some people should they get wind that I'm blogging as well, But I don't care and really it's no skin of my back. 
         Growing up was no easy task for me, in fact it was more a challenge. My dad and I always had a weird relationship and well the love I had for my mom quickly turned into hatred into my teenage years! I know a lot of you right now are think and saying to yourself "We all have felt hatred at that time towards our parents it's a natural process while growing up!" Ha ha I say! You will soon learn that this hatred is not the "Normal" hatred.
         My memories of growing up are a little blurry at certain ages. I myself have purposely blocked out a lot of memories because they are extremely pain full. I also go by what I've been told time and time and over and over again. Let me remind those who are reading this I do this to release pain, hurt and sadness to make me a better person.
          I am NOT by anyway, shape, or form writing for sympathy. If I get it Okay cool, whatever. But my main reason behind this is so I feel better and so I can maybe, along this road I'm starting to travel, learn who I am and how to be even a better person. I will probably embarrass some people, let some secrets slip out and allow some actual feelings never spoken or even shown before out of my little box of What I like to call "My Mumbled mind of mischief."
          With that being said I am going to say my good-byes for now. I will return. After just writing this little introduction I'm quite amazed at how I feel already.