Yes my fellow family, friends and foes, it is that time of the year once again. It is time to wash away the worries, sorrows and jeers of 2010 and move on with the reassurance, prosperity, and commendation on into 2011! I am unsure about the rest of you but 2010 seem to blow right on by like the wind that blows the leaves. I am glad to be starting a new year. The thought of advancing into a new and brighter person and life is quite exhilarating to me this year. Unlike past years, 2010 ended with a bang for me. Looking back I've made a few good strides in the last year but like most people for every step forward I've made there are those few steps back that I have some how managed to take.
This year I was truthful with myself and faced the fact that I am not Wonder Woman. No matter how hard I try to be I am not invincible and I cannot say Go Go Gadget arms, legs or what ever else Inspector Gadget could expand or pull from his sleeve, hat, or shoes! I am not flawless in my character and in all honesty striving to be is to exasperating although being next to perfect is starting to become achievable. I realized that continuing to try and be strong was not only hurting me but my family. I have concluded that admitting defeat is the strongest adroitness attribute that ANY person is capable of achieving. I also swallowed my self-admiration and asked for much needed help.
Normally I refuse to make a New years Resolution because I am just not good at carrying out any sort of a promise to myself because I put everyone before me. If you cannot tell I am also someone who tends to get upset if I should let someone down. This year though I decided that I would at least set some and try to achieve them. Should I let anyone down I am apologizing right here and right now! I am sincerely sorry!
Here are my goals or resolutions that I have decided to set for myself:
1. Continue to Strive: In 2011 I continue to work forth towards not only being the person I was supposed to be but also strive and work towards being a better mother to my children and to be a better girlfriend. I will listen better and be more playful. I will try to let my worries and struggles just roll of my back and make the best of a situation without my continuous bitching. Who knows maybe this will be the year I finally become Mrs. Eric Hutchins or this will be the year that I finally decide to say forget marriage, say it will happen on the 8th of Never, and continue to live as we are. I mean come on why fix something that isn't broken if it is working well and I for one do not want to shell out 3000 dollars again to wipe out a stinking piece of paper!
2.Think more Positively: Okay let's admit it, I can be quite a drag. I can always turn any positive situation into a negative one because I over analyze everything. My questioning of everything has led to some pretty rough circumstance and if I would have just let well enough alone things could have worked out! So instead of opening my eye's first thing in the morning and thinking "Oh God not again!" I'm going to wake up and count my blessing! Who know maybe I'll become the one who as soon as her feet hit the floor Satan runs hiding and takes cover!
3. Close open doors: I have let my past run and ruin my life and any happiness for far to long. I focus on the past like it was one of those stereogram illusion images. It's time I put my foot down and look forward instead of behind because if I keep continue to convene on my time immemorial I'm going to fall flat on my face again.
4. Welcome acceptance: I'm going to continue working on accepting things. I will continue to welcome the phrase "It is what it is" and I may just use this as my "step back and chill" command!
5.Become more frugal: I'm awful with money. As soon as I get it I spend it on useless crap! This in turn has truly led to over 10,000 dollars in debt. I am going to start saving and quit buying things that are a want and not a true need.
6.Be more organized: I am really bad at just throwing things in a drawer, stuffing it under a bed or cramming things in a closet. I will let things sit in a place where it doesn't belong until I need it or use it again. I am also a really bad pack rat. Since we will be moving in February I think this is a great time to start this resolution don't you think? So I will try and put things back where they go and find a designated spot for stuff should it not have a home. Along with this, if it is Eric's and he has a spot for it I will leave it sit until he puts it away or I will put it where he wants it no matter how much it annoys me!
Now these next resolutions cancel each other out so these two I need to try extra hard at to keep them!
7. Quit Smoking: This one I don't think is going to be really hard in all honesty. My medication for my depression has helped me cut back so tomorrow I will just put one of my patches on and see how it goes. I also have medication for my anxiety so if I take one of those hopefully I can control my nerves.
8. Lose 40 to 50 pounds: This one is going to be the hardest for me because my newest medication that was added has a side effect of weight gain. I also have a weakness for carbs and sodas. What can I say Cheesy Potatoes is one of my favorite comfort food and Mountain dew gives me my get up and go next to my coffee! I already walk approximately 2 miles a day so that is 12 miles a week. Since we have the Kinect for the Xbox's now adding dancing into my walking regimen and trying to keep my calorie intake at 1500 I should be able to achieve this goal by December 31st 2011! I am keeping it kind of spaced out for slip ups because it happens to the best of us.
Now the question is will I make it or break it? Can I continue to look up at the stars and follow this path and become to be the person I am supposed to be? Will the people that have walked into my life still be in my life next year at this time?
Either way I will continue to walk forward and not take a step back. I will learn what my triggers are and stop myself before I get to far into anything I can't take back.
This being my last blog in 2010 I want to wish everyone big and small, happy or sad, thin or stout a very Happy and prosperous New Year's! I hope you all obtain everything you deserve if not more!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Tattoo's are a form of art that is over 5,000 years old. It is believed that the first tattoo was created by accident when a sever wound had been rubbed over with dirty hand. When the wound healed the dirt remained and walla the tattoo was born! It is a form of art that has been around for centuries. The first reference of a tattoo was in 1769 by Joseph Banks when he was writing about the Indian tribe he had met with.
Tattoo served as a rite of passage, status and rank, religion and devotion to name just a few. Today you will see them serve as a memorial, they may have sentimental value or belongings (this mostly being criminal association). Many tribal member still continue the tradition of the art on their face. Yes, some tattoo's were forced for identification purposes as those seen on Nazi Concentration camp inmates. Maori chiefs and the Europeans would draw their facial tattoo's in place of their signatures. Today the Royal Navy still tattoo's their officers to help them identify them in the case of a drowning.
Tattoos are also used in medical procedures. They are used to ensure instruments are properly located for repeat applications of radiation therapy and my favorite for the areola in some forms of breast reconstruction!
I personally now someone who has done this. (The tattoo of an areola) The woman was a breast cancer survivor and had breast reconstruction she walked away with a grin from ear to ear after this was complete!
Tattooing is also used in the medical field to correct vitiligo which is a skin pigmentation disorder.
Tattoo's became truly evident in pop culture in the first decade of the 21st century. Janis Joplin's wristlet and blue heart on her left breast has been called a seminal moment in popular acceptance. However in recent studies men are still more likely than women to have or get a tattoo. The negative stigma off tattoos are mostly because of Japan's Yakuza (an Organized crime organization), the USA's prisoners and gang members and the Nazi regime.
For those who are not aware and do not know me I have 9 tattoo's. Although should you pass me on the street you would never know it. I have all of them in places where they can be covered. For me my tattoos are a symbol me, mark an era in my life, and one even shows who my heart belongs too! All of my tattoos are similar and follow a certain theme. I would like to show them to you now and explain the stories behind them. I know they are very much faded but it has been over 4 years since I've gotten one and technology for the guns themselves have gotten better.
*Note: I am not trying to change anybodies opinion on these. I completely understand everyone has different opinions on them.
My 4th tattoo came after my best friend and at the time cousin had been diagnosed with a heart problem.
My 6th one I got in celebration of hitting my target weight of 125 pounds. I was excited that I was finally getting to wear all the belly showing shirts! This one is on my lower back.
My 7th one was right after I had Dalton and Brienna. I love them so much just as a mother would I gave an arm for them. After Trystin was born I had her name added to it. If all works out well Eric and I plan on having one more so that child's name will be added as well!!
There you go. As I said I understand that a lot of those who do read my blog believe they are a waste of money, ugly and completely unnecessary. My tattoo's however remind me that my beauty is on the inside. If a person judges me automatically by my tattoo's instead of looking past them and knowing me completely then they are just not worth my time and are not the right person to be in my life. Tattoo's do not make a person the person makes the tattoos.
~Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Margaret Wolfe Hungerford
Tattoo served as a rite of passage, status and rank, religion and devotion to name just a few. Today you will see them serve as a memorial, they may have sentimental value or belongings (this mostly being criminal association). Many tribal member still continue the tradition of the art on their face. Yes, some tattoo's were forced for identification purposes as those seen on Nazi Concentration camp inmates. Maori chiefs and the Europeans would draw their facial tattoo's in place of their signatures. Today the Royal Navy still tattoo's their officers to help them identify them in the case of a drowning.
Tattoos are also used in medical procedures. They are used to ensure instruments are properly located for repeat applications of radiation therapy and my favorite for the areola in some forms of breast reconstruction!
I personally now someone who has done this. (The tattoo of an areola) The woman was a breast cancer survivor and had breast reconstruction she walked away with a grin from ear to ear after this was complete!
Tattooing is also used in the medical field to correct vitiligo which is a skin pigmentation disorder.
Tattoo's became truly evident in pop culture in the first decade of the 21st century. Janis Joplin's wristlet and blue heart on her left breast has been called a seminal moment in popular acceptance. However in recent studies men are still more likely than women to have or get a tattoo. The negative stigma off tattoos are mostly because of Japan's Yakuza (an Organized crime organization), the USA's prisoners and gang members and the Nazi regime.
For those who are not aware and do not know me I have 9 tattoo's. Although should you pass me on the street you would never know it. I have all of them in places where they can be covered. For me my tattoos are a symbol me, mark an era in my life, and one even shows who my heart belongs too! All of my tattoos are similar and follow a certain theme. I would like to show them to you now and explain the stories behind them. I know they are very much faded but it has been over 4 years since I've gotten one and technology for the guns themselves have gotten better.
*Note: I am not trying to change anybodies opinion on these. I completely understand everyone has different opinions on them.
My first Tattoo came at 16. My mom had pretty much abandon me and I was on my own so I had a boyfriend at the time do it. ( I like this one because in the process of getting it done I jerked and accidentally kicked him in the mouth. Not nice and not funny I know but it was then and it is a memory I have attached to this)
My 2nd tattoo also came at 16. This one was given by a friend and later after my 17th birthday my dad took me and had it professionally covered after I moved back in with him. Under neath the actual rose there once was a butterfly that looked more like a moth. The same time I got this my dad also got his very first tattoo. Only later to find out he had went back and got another one after and he hid it from me.
2 years passed before I got my 3rd tattoo. My grandma Bright (or Durham as some of you may remember her) passed away. My grandma (my mother's mom) meant a lot to me just like my 2 aunt's and my grandma Bess does. She too was able to see past my mother's bullshit and her cruel behavior and also would remove me from my home when things went sour at home when she could. She lived 2 hours away so she was unaware of some of the things. She didn't think twice when she would slap my mom for showing up at her home high or drunk. She towards the end before she past began locking her medication up in a lock box and told her my mother that she was no longer allowed in her home until she cleaned up and got help. Rest assure that when my Aunt's and my Grandma Bess passes away they to will have a spot with their name on it. I got this little angle the day after she passed away. She now looks over my right shoulder at my family and me. Every once in a while I get and itch or a tickle there, I think of these as her telling me she loves me and is still here!
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| In loving Memory of Grandma |
So this is a little memory to her. It is a little heart with a vine and it says Bad. This is no bigger than a 50 cent piece on the back of my neck.
My 5th came as a Christmas present from my idiot of a step-dad. This one actually has no meaning but I got it because it was a rose and it fit in with my rose heart theme I had going on. All that and well it was free.
My 6th one I got in celebration of hitting my target weight of 125 pounds. I was excited that I was finally getting to wear all the belly showing shirts! This one is on my lower back.
My 7th one was right after I had Dalton and Brienna. I love them so much just as a mother would I gave an arm for them. After Trystin was born I had her name added to it. If all works out well Eric and I plan on having one more so that child's name will be added as well!!
My 8th and 9th one were done the same day. Since day one when Eric and I started dating Eric always said I was the Yin to his Yang as well as the female version of him. At the time when I got this Eric had gotten the other half (fire) on his right calf. This was his first tattoo and he now has 3. When we place our calves side by side they fit as a puzzle would. Should we ever split I will just have the other part tattooed along with a rose flowing behind it. Since I firmly believe that no name of a spouse or boyfriend should not be tattooed on ones body this was the next best and practical idea. The other Tattoo is the Chinese symbol for mother seeing as I am a mother.
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| My Water Yin |
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| Eric's Fire Yang |
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| Our Fire and Water Yin-Yang |
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| Chinese Symbol for mother |
There you go. As I said I understand that a lot of those who do read my blog believe they are a waste of money, ugly and completely unnecessary. My tattoo's however remind me that my beauty is on the inside. If a person judges me automatically by my tattoo's instead of looking past them and knowing me completely then they are just not worth my time and are not the right person to be in my life. Tattoo's do not make a person the person makes the tattoos.
~Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Margaret Wolfe Hungerford
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
What can you see
Yes ladies and gentlemen another poem by me. I hope you enjoy.
What can you see..
By: Constance E Hampshire
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see me for who I'm meant to be or am I just an enemy?
My Wrinkles, aren't they swell?!
A life long format, past marks of combat, or maybe I'm just unwell?
Do I have a smile? If so what does it say?
Does it show my kindness and dismay and does it say faithful or betray?
My eyes, are they hazel or brown?
Do they sometimes match my frown or pop out with my gown?
My mind, it has so many tales.
Romance, drama, and some of those that taunt but could they make a sale?
My Torso, It has been through so much for it contains my heart.
You may have it from the start but to you is it fore part?
My belly, it has carried three.
Do you see laziness or the love that is motherly?
My legs are not as flawless as they once used to be.
Do you see scars and marks or possibly my life story?
My feet, they have walked many miles.
They have seen many surfaces but do you see my styles?
So again I ask this to you.
So again I ask this to you.
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see me for who I'm meant to be or am I just an enemy?
Things I often ponder....
This year my heart and soul was just not in it and I'm pretty sure I was not the only one. With job lay-offs, persons unemployment running out, family members who are stationed with the military or whatever else the circumstance the holiday spirit belonged to the 3 ghost of the past, present, and future.
I was thinking of my Christmas at home with my children, Eric and my dad. With my counseling in full swing now and a new medicine regimen, being with my dad was actually easier than I suspected it would have been. I still had a part of me that instantly turned into a little girl though just like I always seem to do when I'm around my dad. I was able to control it to where it wasn't as noticeable and I would not cause myself any hurt after he had left.
He arrived at my home around 3:30 in the afternoon. I provided him with our gift to him and he gave us our gifts from my grandmother and himself. We truly was not expecting anything from either of them with my grandma on a fixed income and my dad's unemployment expiring. He also has no insurance so his medication all comes out of pocket. I actually had considered his coming over to my house as a gift. I had bought him an Old Spice gift set and I was quite pleased with myself when he said he loved his gift because he had just run out of almost all of what he had received!!
As we started up a conversation of reasons behind the gifts that we had given the other I started to feel guilty about excepting ours. If my dad wasn't the way he was I would have given it back to him without a second thought, but he is one who will fight you tooth and nail should you try and return a gift from him. I said my gracious thank you and continued with our conversation. He began to tell us about his unemployment running out and how he is seeing about getting assistance from the VA (Veterans assistance) for his medication's. He also was explaining his pension plan and school. Hearing and listening to him talk about his financial woes was extremely heartbreaking for me but yet some how comforting at the same time.
I honestly hope that my last statement does not make me sound heartless because I am far from that to a point. I will give my all to a person unless that said person has hurt my children or me. For those who do not know my dad let me set a picture for you of the other side of my dad than the one I have set in previous blogs. This may also help you understand as to why I am so conflicted by my feelings.
Even though my dad can have a very hot temper and has an extremely violent past he at times can be the most gentlest, caring and nicest of man. For example: If you go back to my blog Damnification of Thanksgiving you will read of my jade shaded feelings towards my dad with my cousin's daughter. Well while he was here for Christmas I was surprised by his actions towards my children. Not only did my dad carry a conversation with me and seem very interested in what was going on with Eric and I, he was involved and intrigued by the children!
He sat with my son on the couch watching him play his PSP and asked him all kinds of questions and he sat down with my oldest daughter and colored with her! He also tried to have a relationship with my 2 1/2 year old but she was still leery of him, but she is also a very shy and timid little girl anyways. He sat back and smiled and even laughed while watching my kids dance to Dance Central, a video game that can be used with the Xbox Kinect that we had received for Christmas from Eric's dad.
Growing up with my dad I do remember him apologizing for a few of my beatings. Those were usually the one's where I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Otherwise meaning "He was furious, pissed off, or upset by my mother or something she had done". My blogs about my mother are still yet to come I'm just not ready to speak or write of her, I will say however this woman is the root of all evil in my eyes!
My dad was always a hard worker. He had worked hard for what we did have. There are many times that I recollect him working anywhere from 60 to 90 hours a week. Even after I had finally moved out and my dad was living on his own he still continued to work like he that only because it had become a habit for him, he was still paying off mine and my mother's financial ruins and also because that was all he knew how to do. If that doesn't prove anything to you he also continued to work this many hours even after he had his heart attack in 2006. The doctors had told him he was not to return back to work for at least 6 weeks, when he did he was not to work more than 40 hours. He never turned that work excuse in he just went right back to his old ways.
He had worked at a factory in Bettsville, Ohio for a long time until they had shut the doors. He than went to work for American Standard in Tiffin, Ohio. On December 21, 2007 American Standard closed the doors on the Tiffin plant after 100 years in business. My dad had worked there for 26 years when they closed the door.
My dad, weather he admits to it or not started his downward spiral in his depression. He had lost his insurance and he had to live off of his savings which wasn't much in his eye's until he was approved for unemployment benefits. With house payments, medicine, doctors appointments and utilities he just could not make it. In a severance package from Standard my dad was able to go back to school for a career that was in high demand. He chose to go to school for nursing instead of truck driving. For this I am extremely proud of him.
I took a stab at going back to school also in the nursing field. I had to drop out because they wanted to drop me from the course because my grades were poor. I had a hard time at 25 but yet at 55 years old he is successful! Imagine a man 55 years old with only factory experience returning to school after being graduated for 37 years!! He never had dealt with computers so I tried to help him as much as I could.
My dad was set to graduate this month but he failed obstetrician and pediatrics. He now has to take this class over again but it is not available until the summer. He has to take it over because many woman just do not like male nurse's checking to make sure they are dilated. Being the mother of 3 I understand his upset because I requested female nurses and I had a female OB-GYN for all of my pregnancies. (I feel in this situation medical manikins should be used to help along the student instead of humans. I know they have them for catheter training and for Phlembotomists training so they need to look into some for dilation and pelvic exams to ease the comfort of the student.)
I know I have complained about the little time I see my dad but after I messaged my father yesterday to thank him for spending time with me and my family. I was relieved when he responded back with "You are all fine, It's nice to have a break from school and all the studying to be able to do it". Although I am cautious about getting to excited and reading to deep into this. If you have ever been let down as much by a person as I have by my father you would understand. I do feel like a complete idiot for being so selfish once again though.
I am very proud of my dad and it just kills me to see him in this predicament. I was a little part of his financial trouble, but yet it makes me feel better when I hear of other peoples troubles exspecially those who at one time was set and had a 98% perfect life. It's not because it makes me feel as if I'm better then those in trouble but because it makes me feel normal and equal. I have a sense of relief, I know and have been reassured that I am not the only one who is having a hard time in this rotten economy and this objection called life.
"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
-- Lewis B. Smedes
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Christmas!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!
From my family to yours I wish you all a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! Please enjoy your family and friends and remember all of those who cannot be with their loved ones this season!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
What the hell am I to do?
"WARNING!! This blog entry may contain information you do not even want to know but I have got to get it out before I explode!!"
When one is going through a rebuilding process and trying to make themselves a person they were meant to be, what are considered to be normal feelings?
So far in counseling I have been told that I need to work on my acceptance and my control issues. Well guess what? I am trying to do it and I'm a considerable mess! I am absolutely lost and completely confused.
Lately I have been annoyed, angry, confused, lost, in short any emotion you can think of I currently have it pumping through my blood like morphine on a full drip IV! I can't tell you when it all started or what even triggered it but it has made me completely unbearable at home.
Things that seem to really bother me lately and I just cannot accept are as follows...
1.) No Private time with Eric.
It's hard to have private time with your significant other when you have a house full of people. As some of you may know we share a house with Eric's brother Sean. Sean's son Brendan is here every Monday through Wednesday and every other Friday through Tuesday. Then you have my 3 kids. Now having 3 adults in the house definitely makes bills and rent easier but the "Adult Time" between the couple suffers with having that full of a house.
Even when we do have that opportunity I'm to flipping worn down. I get up at 3:30 A.M to do my paper route 6 days a week. Lately because of the snow I cannot come home and lay back down because by the time I'm done with my route it's 6:45, 7 O'clock and the kids will be up for school or they are already awake when I get home. 4 out of those 6 day I don't get a nap either because I have my counseling and I don't get home until 11:30 or because Trystin refuses to cooperate in nap time. If by some chance I am lucky enough to get one I only get an hour nap because Eric wakes up or because Trystin has woke up. Then I'm up until 8:30 or later because Trystin is fighting the entire bedtime process.
Sean works but when he closes either Eric is working or the kids are still here. All of this has began to take a toll on the relationship. Mostly on me. Just this morning I woke up at 5:30 Eric still had not been to bed. As soon as I came downstairs he made the remark "Finally I can go to bed!" I instantly snapped and said "What you can't come up to bed when I'm sleeping?" He said "I wanted you to have at least one good night of sleep without me waking you up at 3:30." He was trying to be nice but I would much rather sleep beside him in a bed then separate!
2.) My appearance
I've gained weight which for me is never a good mix with my bi-polar and depression. I already care to much about how people see me. I mean I'll go out in my pajama's (which are really just a t-shirt and sweatpants) but I really care about how people see me. Yes I'll go out with my PJ's on but my hair will be nice and I'll have a little make up on. I was bullied while in school because I was not thin. I was constantly called fatty, shamu, and had people yell "Free Willy" anytime I walked passed them. So being real subconscious about my weight is normal for me. Which is probably why I have a bad history with diets pills and food.
Along with my weight are my teeth. Many years of focusing on my kid and not on me has taken it's toll on the poor things. I don't mind the coffee stains. What I do mind though is the cavities that I have along my gum lines and the fact that my teeth are a two-tone color. When I busted my teeth out at 17 it was way before coffee became a necessity in my daily life to function. So now the filling material they had used to cap my front teeth and the shade of the tooth they used to replace the one they had to implant into my gum is a different shade than my real teeth. Because of past bills and present bills we just can't afford to pay my past dentist bill for me to go in and have the cavities and other things fixed. Until I have that money I can not see then or even get in.
3.) Christmas
I hate this time of year. Truly I do. Thanks to inflation and the economy I am hurt because The kids want all kind of things and we just can't afford them. How do you tell children who believe in Santa and they think that Santa makes everything that Santa isn't going to bring them what all they want? I've been creative in the past and said "Santa ran out of supplies" or "Santa must not have gotten your letter in time" but it still hurts.
4.) Moving
As some of you may know we have to be out of the house we are in by the end of February because our 23 year old landlord got his girlfriend pregnant. Instead of living with her parents like they had offered or even finding an apartment with a cheap rent he wants to live here! He can't wait until the summer. So now we have to find a house that is in our price range, one that is hopefully in the school district or I am gonna have to pull the kids out of school before the end of the school year.
I don't really want to have to pull them because they have both made friends and I know what it feels like to have to start all over with schools. I also am tired of moving every 2 years but because Dane effed me when he walked out and because of my stupid irresponsible financial choices growing up my credit is screwed so buying a house is out of the question.
There are still many things that have my panties in a bunch as we speak and even writing this and trying to put them on paper I'm just get more angry and annoyed trying to sort them out. I know in the words of the Beatles I should just "Let It Be" but how does a person who has to have every detail in place before doing anything and have everything in it's place do that?
I truly feel lost as a person. My house is a mess because of winter. I've got muddy footprints all through out my laundry room and kitchen and every time I get down on my hands and knees to clean them up then more end up there. Box's are every where because Christmas decorations are not all put up. I just don't know what to do. I've got to much on my plate I'm overwhelmed and even if I sit down and talked to Eric about it I just know we'll get into a fight because one of us will say something the other will find offensive. We both want to be right and have the last word so you can only imagine how this would end up.
I easily take offense to things and when I have the feeling of losing control in a situation so when that happens I will get defensive and "attack" a person and seeing as I'm needing to work on my control issues i do not even know how or even where to begin. What I really want to do is scream at the top of my lungs until I can't scream anymore because my voice box is shot and punch a punching bag until my knuckles are bloody and broken but even in the end of doing all that things will not be better.
So What the hell am I supposed to do?
When one is going through a rebuilding process and trying to make themselves a person they were meant to be, what are considered to be normal feelings?
So far in counseling I have been told that I need to work on my acceptance and my control issues. Well guess what? I am trying to do it and I'm a considerable mess! I am absolutely lost and completely confused.
Lately I have been annoyed, angry, confused, lost, in short any emotion you can think of I currently have it pumping through my blood like morphine on a full drip IV! I can't tell you when it all started or what even triggered it but it has made me completely unbearable at home.
Things that seem to really bother me lately and I just cannot accept are as follows...
1.) No Private time with Eric.
It's hard to have private time with your significant other when you have a house full of people. As some of you may know we share a house with Eric's brother Sean. Sean's son Brendan is here every Monday through Wednesday and every other Friday through Tuesday. Then you have my 3 kids. Now having 3 adults in the house definitely makes bills and rent easier but the "Adult Time" between the couple suffers with having that full of a house.
Even when we do have that opportunity I'm to flipping worn down. I get up at 3:30 A.M to do my paper route 6 days a week. Lately because of the snow I cannot come home and lay back down because by the time I'm done with my route it's 6:45, 7 O'clock and the kids will be up for school or they are already awake when I get home. 4 out of those 6 day I don't get a nap either because I have my counseling and I don't get home until 11:30 or because Trystin refuses to cooperate in nap time. If by some chance I am lucky enough to get one I only get an hour nap because Eric wakes up or because Trystin has woke up. Then I'm up until 8:30 or later because Trystin is fighting the entire bedtime process.
Sean works but when he closes either Eric is working or the kids are still here. All of this has began to take a toll on the relationship. Mostly on me. Just this morning I woke up at 5:30 Eric still had not been to bed. As soon as I came downstairs he made the remark "Finally I can go to bed!" I instantly snapped and said "What you can't come up to bed when I'm sleeping?" He said "I wanted you to have at least one good night of sleep without me waking you up at 3:30." He was trying to be nice but I would much rather sleep beside him in a bed then separate!
2.) My appearance
I've gained weight which for me is never a good mix with my bi-polar and depression. I already care to much about how people see me. I mean I'll go out in my pajama's (which are really just a t-shirt and sweatpants) but I really care about how people see me. Yes I'll go out with my PJ's on but my hair will be nice and I'll have a little make up on. I was bullied while in school because I was not thin. I was constantly called fatty, shamu, and had people yell "Free Willy" anytime I walked passed them. So being real subconscious about my weight is normal for me. Which is probably why I have a bad history with diets pills and food.
Along with my weight are my teeth. Many years of focusing on my kid and not on me has taken it's toll on the poor things. I don't mind the coffee stains. What I do mind though is the cavities that I have along my gum lines and the fact that my teeth are a two-tone color. When I busted my teeth out at 17 it was way before coffee became a necessity in my daily life to function. So now the filling material they had used to cap my front teeth and the shade of the tooth they used to replace the one they had to implant into my gum is a different shade than my real teeth. Because of past bills and present bills we just can't afford to pay my past dentist bill for me to go in and have the cavities and other things fixed. Until I have that money I can not see then or even get in.
3.) Christmas
I hate this time of year. Truly I do. Thanks to inflation and the economy I am hurt because The kids want all kind of things and we just can't afford them. How do you tell children who believe in Santa and they think that Santa makes everything that Santa isn't going to bring them what all they want? I've been creative in the past and said "Santa ran out of supplies" or "Santa must not have gotten your letter in time" but it still hurts.
4.) Moving
As some of you may know we have to be out of the house we are in by the end of February because our 23 year old landlord got his girlfriend pregnant. Instead of living with her parents like they had offered or even finding an apartment with a cheap rent he wants to live here! He can't wait until the summer. So now we have to find a house that is in our price range, one that is hopefully in the school district or I am gonna have to pull the kids out of school before the end of the school year.
I don't really want to have to pull them because they have both made friends and I know what it feels like to have to start all over with schools. I also am tired of moving every 2 years but because Dane effed me when he walked out and because of my stupid irresponsible financial choices growing up my credit is screwed so buying a house is out of the question.
There are still many things that have my panties in a bunch as we speak and even writing this and trying to put them on paper I'm just get more angry and annoyed trying to sort them out. I know in the words of the Beatles I should just "Let It Be" but how does a person who has to have every detail in place before doing anything and have everything in it's place do that?
I truly feel lost as a person. My house is a mess because of winter. I've got muddy footprints all through out my laundry room and kitchen and every time I get down on my hands and knees to clean them up then more end up there. Box's are every where because Christmas decorations are not all put up. I just don't know what to do. I've got to much on my plate I'm overwhelmed and even if I sit down and talked to Eric about it I just know we'll get into a fight because one of us will say something the other will find offensive. We both want to be right and have the last word so you can only imagine how this would end up.
I easily take offense to things and when I have the feeling of losing control in a situation so when that happens I will get defensive and "attack" a person and seeing as I'm needing to work on my control issues i do not even know how or even where to begin. What I really want to do is scream at the top of my lungs until I can't scream anymore because my voice box is shot and punch a punching bag until my knuckles are bloody and broken but even in the end of doing all that things will not be better.
So What the hell am I supposed to do?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Counting the many
With my iPod tucked away into my back pocket, My hat on and my coat zipped up to my chin I stepped out into the cold stabbing air to deliver my morning papers. Every morning it is one of two same routines, I load my paper's into the van with the help of Eric if he can stay awake long enough. I start my van to get it warmed up and one of 2 things happen, either I deliver to the homes on my street that receive my paper or I go back in for one more cup of coffee while Eric does it.
This morning I did this because Eric has been working as much overtime as he can to make ends meet and to give the kids a good Christmas. While delivering I was listening to my iPod. My iPod make my job a lot more enjoyable as well as directs my attention elsewhere than to the bitter stabbing 7 degrees that engulfs me. While listening to Skin or also known as Sara Beth by Rascal Flatts I noticed that I had shed a few tears just like always. This song if you have never heard it is about little girl who was diagnosed with cancer. If you have never heard it or seen the video I HIGHLY recommend looking it up on YouTube.com.
While listening to that song I got to thinking about an article I read yesterday in my brother in-laws Reader's Digest. The article title was Two Simple Words: How the power of thank you change my life by John Kralik. The article talks about the authors woe's during a recent downward spiral of events in his life. Within the article he was recalling about his inner voices talking to him and how he was hiking and thinking to himself how life may just be better off without him and how he imagined himself falling into the ravines below him.
To some this is called a "self pity party" in which I am very certain that we have all experienced one time or another in life. Some may have them more than others. I will probably be the second person next to this author to admit that I am very well known in my house to have these daily. During the authors episode he had heard a voice. This voice had said "Until you learn to be grateful for what you have you will not receive the things that you want."
Now I don't know about you but that quote hit me. They say "God has his reasons for everything" and after reading that article and currently going through this whole rebuilding phase I thought why not give it a try. So this morning I decided that i was going to write down all my blessing and what I'm thankful for in my life. I realize that this topic would have much rather been fitting for Thanksgiving time but just like my belief and feelings for the Valentine Day and Sweetest Day holiday why make something special and give it it's own holiday when really you should do it daily? So here I go. (I'll try and be nice *cough*)
#1. I am thankful for my family. Without my aunt's and my grandma I would have been stuck in my home with my parents and would probably be worse now than what I am.They are the rock that patches this wall. If it was not for them I would have nothing to look up to and admire.
#2. I am thankful for Eric. Without him I would not have a sense of direction. I would still feel unworthy of love and still be stuck chasing a dream that would never come true. You work hard to care for the family all so I can fulfill my dream as a stay at home mom. I love you and Thank you for helping me raise 3 beautiful children. I know 2 of them are really not yours but they see you as the father that they truly deserve.
#3. I am also thankful for my relationship with Dane. If it wasn't for him I would not have 2 of the 3 beautiful children that make everyday worth it.
#4. I am thankful for Jean and Joel. If it was not for you accepting me into your family Eric and I may not have lasted as long as we have. I know from experience that if the in-laws do not approve it can make for a very rough relationship and a very bad ending.
#5. Mom and Dad. Without them I wouldn't know how NOT to raise my family. I probably also wouldn't be writing this now and counting my blessings because I wouldn't have realized that I have a problem and begin this whole rebuilding thing.
#6. I am thankful for my divorce attorney Randall Bendure. Even though you seem to believe my ex-mother in-laws bull crap you still helped me get out of my marriage so I could start a new life with Eric.
#7. I am thankful for Home Depot R.D.C. Without you opening in Van Buren Eric would still be stuck without a job in this poor economy.
#8. I am thankful for The Courier. Without this newspaper I would not be able to assist Eric in caring for this family. I would also still not have a job because finding one that would allow me to be at home with the kids is pretty much impossible.
#9. I am thankful for my customers. Without them I wouldn't have anybody to deliver papers to.
#10. I am grateful for my van. It may have 105,000 miles on it but it still gets from point A to point B.
#11. I am thankful for Lorie. She has been my best friend and crying shoulder since the 2nd grade. If it wasn't for you I would have been stuck in my home with my parents and never know what a true friend is.
#12. I am thankful for Billy. Billy, we may have had our car chases and fights but we have both grown up and realized that we are really meant to be true friends. Thank you for listening to me when I need an ear and sitting with me around my fire.
#13. Bridgett. Without you I would have never made on 3rd shift at Nissin. Even though you couldn't stop me from open my mouth when I shouldn't you still helped me last longer than I would have by myself. I am also thankful for you because if it wasn't for Ethan and Trystin we would not be the friends we are today.
#14. I am thankful for my iPod. Without my music at my side all the time my mornings would be extremely long and I would focus more on the cold than the happiness of my customers.
#15. I am grateful I have clothes. They may not be name brand but at least I'm covered, my children are covered and Eric is covered.
#16. I am thankful for the food that is placed in my pantry.
#17. I am thankful for my health even though some things are harder for me than a normal person, I'm still able to move walk and talk.
And last but not least...I am thankful for my home. It keeps my family together, safe, dry and warm!
This morning I did this because Eric has been working as much overtime as he can to make ends meet and to give the kids a good Christmas. While delivering I was listening to my iPod. My iPod make my job a lot more enjoyable as well as directs my attention elsewhere than to the bitter stabbing 7 degrees that engulfs me. While listening to Skin or also known as Sara Beth by Rascal Flatts I noticed that I had shed a few tears just like always. This song if you have never heard it is about little girl who was diagnosed with cancer. If you have never heard it or seen the video I HIGHLY recommend looking it up on YouTube.com.
While listening to that song I got to thinking about an article I read yesterday in my brother in-laws Reader's Digest. The article title was Two Simple Words: How the power of thank you change my life by John Kralik. The article talks about the authors woe's during a recent downward spiral of events in his life. Within the article he was recalling about his inner voices talking to him and how he was hiking and thinking to himself how life may just be better off without him and how he imagined himself falling into the ravines below him.
To some this is called a "self pity party" in which I am very certain that we have all experienced one time or another in life. Some may have them more than others. I will probably be the second person next to this author to admit that I am very well known in my house to have these daily. During the authors episode he had heard a voice. This voice had said "Until you learn to be grateful for what you have you will not receive the things that you want."
Now I don't know about you but that quote hit me. They say "God has his reasons for everything" and after reading that article and currently going through this whole rebuilding phase I thought why not give it a try. So this morning I decided that i was going to write down all my blessing and what I'm thankful for in my life. I realize that this topic would have much rather been fitting for Thanksgiving time but just like my belief and feelings for the Valentine Day and Sweetest Day holiday why make something special and give it it's own holiday when really you should do it daily? So here I go. (I'll try and be nice *cough*)
#1. I am thankful for my family. Without my aunt's and my grandma I would have been stuck in my home with my parents and would probably be worse now than what I am.They are the rock that patches this wall. If it was not for them I would have nothing to look up to and admire.
#2. I am thankful for Eric. Without him I would not have a sense of direction. I would still feel unworthy of love and still be stuck chasing a dream that would never come true. You work hard to care for the family all so I can fulfill my dream as a stay at home mom. I love you and Thank you for helping me raise 3 beautiful children. I know 2 of them are really not yours but they see you as the father that they truly deserve.
#3. I am also thankful for my relationship with Dane. If it wasn't for him I would not have 2 of the 3 beautiful children that make everyday worth it.
#4. I am thankful for Jean and Joel. If it was not for you accepting me into your family Eric and I may not have lasted as long as we have. I know from experience that if the in-laws do not approve it can make for a very rough relationship and a very bad ending.
#5. Mom and Dad. Without them I wouldn't know how NOT to raise my family. I probably also wouldn't be writing this now and counting my blessings because I wouldn't have realized that I have a problem and begin this whole rebuilding thing.
#6. I am thankful for my divorce attorney Randall Bendure. Even though you seem to believe my ex-mother in-laws bull crap you still helped me get out of my marriage so I could start a new life with Eric.
#7. I am thankful for Home Depot R.D.C. Without you opening in Van Buren Eric would still be stuck without a job in this poor economy.
#8. I am thankful for The Courier. Without this newspaper I would not be able to assist Eric in caring for this family. I would also still not have a job because finding one that would allow me to be at home with the kids is pretty much impossible.
#9. I am thankful for my customers. Without them I wouldn't have anybody to deliver papers to.
#10. I am grateful for my van. It may have 105,000 miles on it but it still gets from point A to point B.
#11. I am thankful for Lorie. She has been my best friend and crying shoulder since the 2nd grade. If it wasn't for you I would have been stuck in my home with my parents and never know what a true friend is.
#12. I am thankful for Billy. Billy, we may have had our car chases and fights but we have both grown up and realized that we are really meant to be true friends. Thank you for listening to me when I need an ear and sitting with me around my fire.
#13. Bridgett. Without you I would have never made on 3rd shift at Nissin. Even though you couldn't stop me from open my mouth when I shouldn't you still helped me last longer than I would have by myself. I am also thankful for you because if it wasn't for Ethan and Trystin we would not be the friends we are today.
#14. I am thankful for my iPod. Without my music at my side all the time my mornings would be extremely long and I would focus more on the cold than the happiness of my customers.
#15. I am grateful I have clothes. They may not be name brand but at least I'm covered, my children are covered and Eric is covered.
#16. I am thankful for the food that is placed in my pantry.
#17. I am thankful for my health even though some things are harder for me than a normal person, I'm still able to move walk and talk.
And last but not least...I am thankful for my home. It keeps my family together, safe, dry and warm!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Friends, heartfelt, help....
I've had a lot of friends in my lifetime, many of who are now considered my enemies. I had lost contact with a lot of them over the years either because I started a family so my priorities changed, They were part of a "Phase" in my life, jealousy, or I just didn't do my job as a friend and give a call to just say hello and keep in touch. For whatever reason the inevitable happen and poof be gone.
I have joined the social networking site Facebook in hopes to reconnect with some of those friends as well as family. Every once in a while a name of an old friend will pop in my head and for shits in giggles will type in the said persons name. After going through over 100 different "Smiths" I find the friend I was searching for. I send the friend request and just wait to see if it is accepted. Sometimes it will be months until I have that exciting red bubble in my notifications. I click and see that so and so excepted my request. By that time either I had forgotten I sent the request or just have a flashback of those time and ask myself "Really, Why?
It's not everyday or even every month I think up a friend. Sometimes certain circumstance, songs, or at times they will "post" on a mutual friends wall. I see their name and click request. I read their profile and see if my friend married their high school sweetheart or read about their engagement and new addition. I don't only use my facebook for just my friends though. Since becoming a part of it I have reconnected with family members, get updates on news and weather since I do not watch a whole lot of TV because of the kids and play games.
Well, the other day I had clicked on a Local News station link to read up on the 3 missing boys from Michigan. Well a story about 2 grain silos in Norwalk, Ohio caused the name of an old friend to pop up. (Norwalk was a long time stomping ground for me before Dane and Eric. I would spend every other weekend there.) With his name fresh in my head I did an automatic search for my friend. Well I found that friend and sent the request.
While doing so another name popped into my head. (Things like this can cause an extremely long domino effect, be thankful that only 2 names came out of this incident!)His name was Joey. Joey took form of an older brother when my mother had "abandoned" me, he would walk me to school and walk me home so nobody messed with me. He had actually transferred from Norwalk and stayed with a friend in Tiffin just so he could go to Columbian so he knew I was okay and keep me out of trouble. He would kick me in the butt (not literally) if I started getting out of line and he kept me on my toes. So of course I searched for him. (My friendship with him was lost because of Dane's jealousy.) I found him.
Well Joey accepted my friend request that night. I checked out his profile. I was happy to see he was engaged to be married and he was a family man with 2 children. His recent status update was him pleading for help because his family (His fiance, 2 year old son, and 1 year old daughter) had lost everything and needed assistance with clothing, food, and housing. I was a little confused.
I began to investigate the matter a little further. Now, I see myself as a caring, helpful, loving person. Those who disagree are those enemy of mine who has screwed me over and hurt my family one way or another. I try and help people when I can, if I can't I will try and find a way. I know what it's like to need help and never having someone there.. I also am a firm believer in Karma so I do what I can to get that good in return when it truly matters.
I read his facebook messages from friends and his family. I then went to the Norwalk Reflector. There I read more on the silos. The story stated that over 7 million pounds of corn had caused multiple families out of their homes. The spillage if you call it knocked homes in the vicinity of the silo off their foundations causing water pipes to bust and gas pipes to rupture. In one of the articles there was a live interview. I sat with my coffee in my hand watching and listened.
On the video were residents of the neighborhood that was severely affected by the disaster. There was a woman about my age trying to contain herself for her son who was right next to her. She was recalling he horrifying account with the corn. She told the anchor how she heard the sound of an explosion and felt the ground shake the next thing she knew she was pushed out of her home and buried by the thousand pounds of corn that had rushed through. She continued to tell how everything she owned was currently across the street. This is when the name of the woman made me realize what was going on! It was Joey's Fiance.
Instantly I contacted him and gave my deepest sympathy. I know what it is like to loose everything when a disaster strike. I lost everything I had in the Findlay floods of 07'. I had asked him what he and his family needed. He pretty much said everything. Red Cross had set then up in a motel room but only for so long. He said salvation army is helping them replace somethings. He also told me that Woodforest bank has set up trusts for his family to assist them with money to help them with food and shelter. I have every intention of donating some money. He understands I can't do much but like he said every little bit counts. Some is better than none.
If you would like to assist his family to Please go to any Walmart Woodforest bank and Make your donations to "The Cassie Williams and Joesph Lyons family fund" Please tell anyone and everyone one you know. Thanks to all who will assist. I express my deepest gratitude.
~Dear Lord,
Please keep my family and friends safe. Be with them and provide them security and protection and help the through this time of need!! Amen~
I have joined the social networking site Facebook in hopes to reconnect with some of those friends as well as family. Every once in a while a name of an old friend will pop in my head and for shits in giggles will type in the said persons name. After going through over 100 different "Smiths" I find the friend I was searching for. I send the friend request and just wait to see if it is accepted. Sometimes it will be months until I have that exciting red bubble in my notifications. I click and see that so and so excepted my request. By that time either I had forgotten I sent the request or just have a flashback of those time and ask myself "Really, Why?
It's not everyday or even every month I think up a friend. Sometimes certain circumstance, songs, or at times they will "post" on a mutual friends wall. I see their name and click request. I read their profile and see if my friend married their high school sweetheart or read about their engagement and new addition. I don't only use my facebook for just my friends though. Since becoming a part of it I have reconnected with family members, get updates on news and weather since I do not watch a whole lot of TV because of the kids and play games.
Well, the other day I had clicked on a Local News station link to read up on the 3 missing boys from Michigan. Well a story about 2 grain silos in Norwalk, Ohio caused the name of an old friend to pop up. (Norwalk was a long time stomping ground for me before Dane and Eric. I would spend every other weekend there.) With his name fresh in my head I did an automatic search for my friend. Well I found that friend and sent the request.
While doing so another name popped into my head. (Things like this can cause an extremely long domino effect, be thankful that only 2 names came out of this incident!)His name was Joey. Joey took form of an older brother when my mother had "abandoned" me, he would walk me to school and walk me home so nobody messed with me. He had actually transferred from Norwalk and stayed with a friend in Tiffin just so he could go to Columbian so he knew I was okay and keep me out of trouble. He would kick me in the butt (not literally) if I started getting out of line and he kept me on my toes. So of course I searched for him. (My friendship with him was lost because of Dane's jealousy.) I found him.
Well Joey accepted my friend request that night. I checked out his profile. I was happy to see he was engaged to be married and he was a family man with 2 children. His recent status update was him pleading for help because his family (His fiance, 2 year old son, and 1 year old daughter) had lost everything and needed assistance with clothing, food, and housing. I was a little confused.
I began to investigate the matter a little further. Now, I see myself as a caring, helpful, loving person. Those who disagree are those enemy of mine who has screwed me over and hurt my family one way or another. I try and help people when I can, if I can't I will try and find a way. I know what it's like to need help and never having someone there.. I also am a firm believer in Karma so I do what I can to get that good in return when it truly matters.
I read his facebook messages from friends and his family. I then went to the Norwalk Reflector. There I read more on the silos. The story stated that over 7 million pounds of corn had caused multiple families out of their homes. The spillage if you call it knocked homes in the vicinity of the silo off their foundations causing water pipes to bust and gas pipes to rupture. In one of the articles there was a live interview. I sat with my coffee in my hand watching and listened.
On the video were residents of the neighborhood that was severely affected by the disaster. There was a woman about my age trying to contain herself for her son who was right next to her. She was recalling he horrifying account with the corn. She told the anchor how she heard the sound of an explosion and felt the ground shake the next thing she knew she was pushed out of her home and buried by the thousand pounds of corn that had rushed through. She continued to tell how everything she owned was currently across the street. This is when the name of the woman made me realize what was going on! It was Joey's Fiance.
Instantly I contacted him and gave my deepest sympathy. I know what it is like to loose everything when a disaster strike. I lost everything I had in the Findlay floods of 07'. I had asked him what he and his family needed. He pretty much said everything. Red Cross had set then up in a motel room but only for so long. He said salvation army is helping them replace somethings. He also told me that Woodforest bank has set up trusts for his family to assist them with money to help them with food and shelter. I have every intention of donating some money. He understands I can't do much but like he said every little bit counts. Some is better than none.
If you would like to assist his family to Please go to any Walmart Woodforest bank and Make your donations to "The Cassie Williams and Joesph Lyons family fund" Please tell anyone and everyone one you know. Thanks to all who will assist. I express my deepest gratitude.
~Dear Lord,
Please keep my family and friends safe. Be with them and provide them security and protection and help the through this time of need!! Amen~
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Controlling Manipulation
According to Webster's Dictionary control is described as...To exercise restraining or directing influence over or to have power over. Simple to understand correct? Well Control Issue according to Goodtherapy.org is characterized by a person’s need to micromanage (to manage or control with excessive attention to minor details) and orchestrate (To arrange or control the elements of, as to achieve a desired overall effect) the actions and behaviors of others. Just a little more complicate to get!
Control issues are often enhanced by fear, emotional heartache or pain, being blamed, feeling of failing, or lose of self esteem. Hmm....
Today's counseling session consisted of talking about my awkward thanksgiving, Dane and his mother and Eric and I's argument on Sunday.
In Damnification of Thanksgiving I explained my feelings at Thanksgiving with given circumstances. I was reminded by my therapist that I need to realize that I will never have the daddy I feel and thrive for and that I consciously need to stop myself when this topic enters my thoughts before it destroys me. She also told me that in that conscious effort to remember I cannot change it. The topic then moved on to my ex-mother in-law and ex-husband. Again I was told to realized the situation and how to correct it.
Then we began to talk about Eric and I. I told her I have been feeling kind of low lately. She asked me what usually triggers disappointment in Eric. I started to give her examples of previous arguments we have had. I started with Sunday.
Is started out as a normal day. When Eric woke up Dalton and I ran to the grocery store for a few things. When I came back Eric, Brienna and Trystin were all cleaning the house. Well instead of sitting down and enjoying the fact that it was being done I started to help. Eric just gave me "the look" (You know the one you get or give when the feeling of dislike is apparent.) Well I seen "the look" and being instantly offended by it I asked What with attitude. We than got into an argument about how I can't just let him actually do something and I have to do it all. He said I don't know what your problem is but you need to deal with your control issues and compromise with me somewhere or this just is not going to work!
As I looked up at my counselor I could see a wheel turning. She than asked me for more examples of recent arguments we have had. Like how we had gotten into an argument about how I'm always doing everything and then I bitch because he doesn't help me. About how everything that is his I feel he is required to share. There is no "What's his is his, What's mine is mine and What's ours is ours." She than asked me what I was like with my kids. I told her I do everything for them. I get their plates, pour their kool-aid, put their laundry away, cook their food and even wash their hair (only Brienna and Trystin's). That is when the light bulb clicked in my therapist.
She said "You have set a high standard for yourself to be perfect. You are afraid to let yourself fall below that standard in turn gives you a controlling issue. You feel that you will only be loved if you are perfect." She than asked me if I let the kids do anything on their own and and if I had ever let Eric clean sometimes. I said yes I let the kids control their own room. They are in charge of cleaning it. Brienna also feeds and waters the cats and Dalton empties the trash cans. I let Eric sweep the living room the other day but he missed some spots and it irritated me.
She than asked me what I did when Eric swept and missed the dirt. I said I said thank you but you missed a spot. She told me the way I handled the situation with Eric was wrong. What I should have done was said thank you to Eric and let the dirt be until I had the chance go back and clean it without him knowing. Than she ask what I do when the children's room is not cleaned to my standard? I told her I tell them what I expect and have them do it again. I then said I'm not like my dad I don't go in and totally trash their room and have them start over again. That's when it turned the light bulb on in my head.
Trying to be perfect has been set in stone as a standard for me since I was little. If my room was not cleaned to my dad's standard he would continue to trash my room until it was perfect. Until I had it perfect he would not talk to me unless it was to tell me "to get my ass in that room and get it cleaned" if he had to trash my room more than twice it was an ass whooping.
Experts say that contol issues are related to many things such as tramatic or abusive life experiances, failed or failing relationship, and or damnaged self-esteem just for a couple examples. Well hot damn!! I've had all of the above. I was abused as a child, I'm divorced, and well I was bullied because of my weight and was constantly told "your just like your mother" which was then followed by how much so and so disliked her.
My counsler told me I need to let go no matter how hard it may be accept and let people do some things. She said I'm like a giant pendulum. My parents are at the far right and I'm at the far left when I really need to be in the middle. She also compare me to a juggler. She said because I'm trying to control (juggle) every aspect of my life I'm overwhelming myself and the balls just keep dropping on my head upsetting me.
All in all it ended up being a good day. Eric and I talked about what was discussed at counseling. He said hopefully somewhere along this path this family will get on a balanced path and work with each other instead of against each other. I had made the remark about how it's hard to have balance when one person is unbalanced (refering to me). His reply was "It's not just one unbalanced person." For those who know Eric, this is actually a step for him. He has actually admitted that he to has some major problems that he needs to work on as well :)
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