Just a little feeling

 I sometimes sit and close my eyes to try and visualize her face. I see her, a woman of great strength and fearless courage. This woman who is beautiful with hair of blond and eye's of Blue, a smile that could light up a room. A mother of one who's life had just begun.

This woman, she sits in a rocking chair in a room lite only by candlelight. A child is in her lap. The child, a little girl looks to be about a year and half of age. She has hair as fine as tinsel, her eyes are as blue as a clear summer sky. The child reaches up for her momma nose and the woman gently kisses the child's fingers. The child shrieks with joy. The woman begins to softly sing "This little light of mine" as she gently rocks her child to sleep. While still humming she gives the child one final kiss on her forehead before placing her in her crib. She watches as the child peacefully drifts off to a somber sleep. She whispers "I love you Sunshine" and quietly tiptoes away.

 I was just waking up. I stumbled down my stairs and shuffled into my kitchen to make my pot of coffee. I stepped outside to smoke my morning cigarette. It was a chilly and wet morning. It was still dark. I came back in my house grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down at my computer desk. I followed my normal morning routine I logged on to facebook to check up on my friends than proceeded to TheCourier.com to see what happened over night. What I read that morning will forever be burned into my memory and life as I knew it was about to change.

Stay out of it! It's none of your concern! Mind your own business! Those are just a few thing I'm pretty sure had been said in this event by some people. I will say that if anybody deserves a special set of snow white angle wings, It would be her. She pushed the definition as a mother to a new level. She gave her her own life to ensure her child would be free from abuse and danger and god has brought us together to ensure this to be carried forth. This woman I speak of and see is Vera Jo.

Today we are all here as a result of this tragedy. They say everything happens for a reason. Our reason, To bring Justice and be the Voice for Vera. We were brought together because god sees our strength and our love of human life.  He believes in all of us and  knows what we can do. In the beginning I never thought that I had the strength to change anything or make such an impact and I'm sure some you have felt the same at one point of life. Here we stand together all with a strength to stand up and make a change. I now have a new focus and view on life.

I want to say I feel blessed to have all of you in my life. Vera as well as you all have brought out a characteristic is me that I truly thought had been lost forever a long time ago. I did not know Vera however as I learn more about this horrendous tale I realized Vera and I are connected at the heart. I know the fear she faced on a daily basis. I understand how she had lost faith in people at an early age. This is why I feel I was chosen.

We all have our reason for becoming a part of this story.  All of us has brought something to the table in one way or another. Some of us were her family, some of us were her friends, while other's were just strangers. We all have different opinions but there is one thing that we seem to all agree on and that is, Every single one us of here today want justice to be sought. We are here not only to be the voice for a woman who can no longer speak for herself and to bring justice to her, but to raise awareness of a situation that is happening all across the world behind closed doors. We have become a team and we have already accomplished so much with still more yet to come!!

The small steps that we have taken has lead to the beginning of a huge resolution. We must not forget our reasons for being brought here together today. We must remember Vera Jo and continue our fight for what is right!!!!  

Words can't describe .....

So here I am writing about a situation that has my community in an uproar. The newspaper article that I have posted says it all. I have since found myself becoming a "Self-proclaimed" Humans right activist and becoming very involved with this situation!!

Yes maybe I'm becoming to involved but I can not stand for this, this poor helpless mother needs to have justice even if she can not speak for herself now!!

I made these in remembrance of her. Here is the newspaper article that explains it all!

http://www.thecourier.com/Issues/2011/Apr/02/ar_news_040211_story1.asp?d=040211_story1,2011,Apr,02&c=n

The naked truth is very ugly

So here I sit...

In front of this computer screen, eyes blurry, head spinning and sick to my stomach. I'm about to confess one of my biggest downfalls and I'm quite sure I will get a few comments in regards to it.

As some of you that read my blogs may have noticed my depression is in high gear. Well that is because I have once again quite taking my antidepressant. Yes I know that was stupid. I have started taking it again though but unfortunately it will take a while for it to kick in to it's full effect again.

I don't know why I do it. Every time, even though I tell myself I won't I get better, things start looking up, and boom I quite taking it thinking I don't need it. When this happens Eric and I have a battle of whits and we both end up with hurt feelings both of us feeling unappreciated and worthless.

However, I think I have finally pinpointed what MY problem is that is causing OUR problems. It's me in general. As you have read in previous post my weight has reached it's all time highest. This is my issue, my problem, my mood changer.

Growing up I was always heavy. Mostly because with my bone disorder there was a lot of things I couldn't do or just could do but was forbidden to. I could never get the exercise I needed because either it was to much pressure on my hips or because my mother and father felt it was to risky and I could get hurt and break something again. In turn I became the target of bullies being told to free willy as I walked through the halls. I was called Thunder thighs and people would  make cow sounds or act as if an earthquake was happening when I would walk past somebody.

Well after I was moved out and on my own I start exercising, riding my bike, taking diet pills and  starving myself. I got down to 115 pounds, I was excited because even though I did it the completely wrong and unhealthy way I got thin! I was so happy and proud of myself. Well along the way I got pregnant and the weight came back. After Brienna was born and Dane had walk out I didn't have time to eat I was to focused on the kids and making sure they had the food they needed. I was working 60 to 70 hours at M-tek and was trying to keep my head above ground. I ended up falling into a deep depression and again lost weight.

I was 135 pounds when Eric and I got together, This is actually a healthy weight for my body size.  Well like in many relationships I got lazy and got comfortable and quite focusing on myself. I put all of my time on trying to make the kids happy and Eric happy and gave up on myself. Well I did something about it. Yesterday I went to the doctors. Not only to find out that I have a severe sinus infection that has been the cause of my eyes clouding over but also to get help on my weight.

Starting tomorrow with careful supervision of my doctor I will be starting on Adipex. A diet pill with a great outcome of weight loss. Althought it is classified as an amphetamine it is given to those who are at hight risk for diebeates and heart problems due to weight. It can only be used 3 months at a time and I must be off of it for 6 months before I can restart taking it again.

So as of now I am 190 pounds hopefully within the next 6 moths I will be down to my 120-135!! Wish me luck!! The new me is on it's way!!

Open, Shut, Open, Shut

Oh the lessons I still have to learn....When I left off yesterday I spoke of how bad of a day I was having. Well today started the same way.

 I woke up at 4:30 not being able to see out of my right eye. I must have scratched it because I have had some real nasty crap coming out of it. Yesterday it felt like I had a piece of sand or an eyelash in it. It wasn't an itch feeling just that feeling of something in it. Well this morning it was matted shut. A few weeks ago Trystin had a case of pink eye in both eyes so luckily we had some medicated eye ointment which the doctor had said we could use should any of us get it. So I used it, better to be safe then sorry.

Well than nap time game and went. Lately trying to get Trystin to take a nap is a game all with in it's self. Well today was no different. She refused to take a nap today which I really could have used seeing as I went to bed at 10:30 last night but could not fall asleep until approximately 12:30 only to wake up at 4:30.

Well than Eric woke up. I said morning than he snapped at me because it was 55 degrees outside and I had cracked the windows open to air out the house. Gee, that just sets the mood.

If you don't know me very well I am one who tends to cower away from uncomfortable situations. Now before anybody goes and judges Eric yes he does have his moods but he has never, and I mean NEVER raised his hand at me and he has never called me names like fat ass or stupid bitch or other vulgar things that some abusive men say to their significant other.

I am on that as soon as any sort of authority is shown or somebodies voice is raised I back down. It doesn't even have to be at me, hell Eric's dad raises his voice about an issue at work I freak out. I guess this is why I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). A voice gets raised and I brace myself for the worst because I think I'm going to get hit like my dad used to do to me when I was younger.

Anyways, after that I just kind of kept my distance because if he wakes up in a bad mood it will just progress further and further and it will be a pointless argument about the stupidest thing and we will both say crap we didn't mean.

Needless to say I learned today that Eric and I need a code word so the other knows when they want them to just listen and not say a word. We really need to work on our communication skills big time if we want this to work out. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and ears open and I need to learn that everything that is said is not a direct attack towards me.....

Uncharted feeling until now...

So lately I have felt extremely worthless...I have no car which in turn means I can't have a job. What triggered these feelings, well here is my week in a run down.

Dalton was in the emergency room Thursday Morning because Brienna accidentaly shut his fingers of his left hand in the car door not once but twice. This accident resulted in a broken finger. It was a chipped break right at the growth plate. I myself was able to stay calm because of my bone disorder I know that if he would have gotten it it could have been a lot worse. He had an appointment with the orthopedist this morning and he said it was healing and there was no need to rebreak it. So that is an upside of things.

Through all of this I have been sick. I average about 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night either because Trystin wakes up 2 if not 3 times a night or because I snore and Eric can't fall asleep when my snoring gets so bad so he wakes me up.

My weight has reach an all time high of 190 pounds. With stress levels here elevated to a code red my emotional eating has kicked in and I'm to tired to even attempt to exercise. This in turn has began to reek havoc on my body. My knee cracks daily and shoots pain up and down my leg. My back is killing me.  Why doesn't Eric let me sleep well I'll tell you why. Eric is up to working 10 hour days 6 days a week. Me being me I allow him to get more sleep than me because he needs it more not to mention even during the week he to only averages 5 hours of sleep a night. He is at more of a risk to get hurt than me. He is the one who needs to stay focused so he doesn't get run over by a semi or crash his tow-motor into a wall.

 Earlier tonight Eric and I got into an argument because he feels like a failure. I asked him why he felt like a failure. I told him he is the one with a job and he is the one who pays the bills. I also told him that he was the one holding the family together. I asked him what do I do and then said Nothing. It is all him. I told him he was doing a great job and I thanked him for it. He in turn said I was making it about me and his feeling doesn't matter. Really? What the hell else am I supposed to say? I was trying to be supportive and again like I always do I apparently screwed up.

All in all right now I am not happy about myself or the situation.

1 (breath in) 2 (hold it) 3 (let it out slowly)

Well after 3 weeks of dramatic snowfall and then thunderous rains last night our move is 75% complete. Everything that was within our old home has now since been moved to the new house. The other 25% is currently buried under still melting snow in the back yard at the old home.

Here I sit in my new home surrounded by what at one time were prized possessions to me. I currently see it as all crap at the moment! When you move it's funny how all the things you have doesn't seem like much until you have nothing set up and it sits in a box on the floor.

Let me start off by stating I'm on the verge of a serious mental breakdown. I have been unable to attend my counseling because I have been wrapped up in the moving process and now i will not be able to attend my next appointment because I have no vehicle and no babysitter.

What happen to my vehicle you ask? Well here let me show you a picture to explain....

You see we now have a huge open field next to our house. Open area means nasty blowing winds a drifts. Well because of this snow managed to fly up into my engine and coated it. This move has taken all of our money. So now I have no vehicle to even go out and look for a job like I had intended on doing. My goal of going an possibly getting my STNA has now once again come to a dead stop and it is now just a dream.

The clutter in my house also is not helping. To make matters worse we are currently in a flood warning and school has been cancelled because of the rising water in which water is already in our basement. (In a way a little piece, just a little piece is thinking yes flood lower this junk of mine)

Either way I am not happy. I have nobody to help us pay to repair my van so my car is going to have to sit where it is in the picture until some how some way it can get fixed. I can use Eric's car but only until he has to go to work. Then I'm just SOL (S*^# out of luck). I'm going to see if I can do some suggestions by myself but short of putting gas in a car and changing a radiator I'm clueless when it comes to vehicles.

All I can ask is that all those who read my blog please pray that my vehicle starts up and runs again so I can go out to find me a job. Finding a job will take a lot of stress of Eric's shoulders and we will not fight as much anymore like we have been. This also is why I'm near breakdown.

Oh God please help me!!!

The root of all evil...(The time is finally right)

Picture it....A mother strung out on drugs. She is out of her fix, she has no money and has no one to care for her child so what is she to do? She takes the child to her dealer's home with her. The child sits in the dealers living room watching TV as her mother is cheating on her father with her dealer just to get her next fix.

Again, picture this....A mother is strung out on drugs. She is out of her fix so what is she to do. She goes to her mother in laws home grabs the key that is hidden away and goes into her home. She heads for the medicine cabinet and steals whatever pill seems to satisfy her fix.

Once more picture this.....A grandmother who is damaged from her many years of drug use and is mentally unfit walks 15 miles in the dead of winter to visit her daughter and newborn grandson. While visiting she is overcome with a depressing feeling, wanders into the bathroom and begins to cut herself with an exacto knife she stole while her grandson in the very next room.

These are just a few of the hundred million examples I can give to you to describe my mother. For as long as I can remember she was always high, wasted in jail, or feeding off of everybody else's sole. She has only had 2 jobs that I can remember one she was fired from for stealing lottery tickets and the other one she was fired for swearing at a customer.

She had thrown me into a bath tub when I was little because I was throwing a huge fit because I didn't want to take a bath. She abandoned me when I was 16 to live with her boyfriend. She was wasted out of her mind when I was in the hospital at 5 when I had hip surgery. She tried committing suicide in front of me more times than I can count. In fact I remember her trying it one time and I had finally had enough and I  just looked at her and said "Give me the F***ing knife I'll F***ing do it for you!!"

She has told my kids (When I decided to give her a second chance) that they didn't have to listen to Eric and me. She had even told Eric "These are my kids and they will be raised the way I want them to be raised".  When she drop a pill on the floor she never tried to find it. Only for me to find it later. God only knows what would have happened if one of my kids would have found it. Long story short I really hate her.

Between her manipulating ways, her disregard for authority, her drug addictions and that fact that she is receiving social security disability just irks me. She can work she's just to lazy to do it and she just wants to sponge off of everybody like she did my dad and I. I have no use for her and there is nothing and I mean nothing that can change my mind on that!!!
I truly hate this waste of air and until she learns to help herself and fix herself she needs to quit spreading lies and telling me what to do!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Now I feel a little better!!!

On the home front...

So my year of 2011 has started out quite hectic. Those who have followed are well aware that we are supposed to be moving. Well this has been a nightmare all in it's own. We were supposed to sign our lease the first weekend of January however we did not. You see the owners of the house wanted to actually sell it but after so long they never had received an offer so they decides they were going to just take a loss and rent it to us.

 Well when they went to the house to remove the realtor's lock box and sign they were told if they did that they were going to face some hefty fines for breaking contract. So they called us up the day of the lease signing and said it was going to have to be put off for a couples of weeks until their contract was up. Well to keep up in high spirits I did some research to see that they were not lying to us about the fines and lawsuits. Well 2 weeks went by and we didn't hear from them so we called them back. We asked if everything was still on they reassured us it was.

 Well another week and a half had passed so Eric called them to check on the progress and guess what!? They sold the house!! Here we are a month away from the time we are supposed to be out of the house and we again are without a house! However luck was on our side, we were able to find another suitable house with a little more space. So with that out of the way our anticipation grows. We hope to get the key to the new place at the end of this week when paychecks and tax returns come in!

I'm mixed with emotions with all of this. In the past 10 years of my uncontrollably insane life I have moved a total of 15 times and I for one am sick of it. Although Eric has tried his best in reassuring me this will be one of our final moves. He hopes that after a few years at the new home his credit will be built enough to where we can finally purchase our own home.

Just need to get it out!

As moving day grows closer and closer I cannot contain my emotions. I'm extremely happy that we have found a home in the country where the children can play and experience a lot of things children in the city cannot. However, the closer that day comes the more my heart breaks. Why you ask, Well let me explain.

Since my children have been born they have been in 5 different homes this next one being their 6th. Although this up and coming move was out of my control I still can't quit kicking myself in the arse. I really hate the fact that I have to move them and it's not even the end of the school year.

They have both made great friends at school. 2 of the girls that Brienna has become very close to has already heard the news and I was told by their mothers that they both had uncontrollable crying fits. While being told this all I could think was "Honey, I don't like this either but it has to be done and it is better for them."

I just wish I knew how to get over this heartbreak. I would give anything to win the lottery so I can buy a house so I do not have to got through this again. I know I won't but a person can dream can't they!

The Gratitude of Criticism

Yesterday as I walked into the counselor's office and took my seat on the couch I had no intention's of really talking about anything. I'll admit I'm having a phase where I think I'm fine and I don't need the counseling anymore. Any person who suffers from depression will tell you they have those series of wild emotions and then they are fine out of the blue. It is times like those that make "us" question our diagnosis and say "No I'm fine I just had a few bad days. I don't need this stuff, I'll be fine'"
None the less, after dealing with these episodes for over 14 years I have come to accept that yes things may seem good but I must continue what I'm doing if I want to keep it going. In times like these is where the counselor come in handy. They will push the issue of things and persuade you to continually recap and work on things. That is just what happened yesterday.

I walked in to the office in what I like to call my "Sleep mode". I was just overfilled with happiness because as some of you may know we will be moving. Well we found a house. I'm extremely excited over this because it is in the country. Now I have lived in the city all my life, my ggrandparents on both my mother's and father's side had homes in the country.

My paternal grandma was in the country but did not have the barns and animals but she had the good ole' Ohio corn field as a backyard boarder. My maternal grandmother had the whole country shebang! There I had the excitement of horseback riding, outhouses, and pond fishing. My great uncle had the dairy farm. There I would watch as the cows were milked, the pigs were slopped, and the sheep's were shaved. I remember one time my uncle had put me on a pig. Long story short I ended up in the mud flat on my face.

Anyways, I see myself more of a country girl, I love the solitude of the pitch black landscape with just the light of the moon and stars to lead your way. No interstate sounds, no street lights just the sound of roosters, coyote's, and maybe the squawk of an Eagle or hawk (which I was told I will see quite often swoop down to grab a Field mouse) So you can only imagine how excited I was when my brother in law said he loved it and we were told it was ours!

When my counselor had asked what we would talk about I just shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know". She asked how the holidays had gone and I told her that it had went better than I had led myself to believe. I told her about how I was able to control my little girl transformation and how I was excited that my dad had interacted with the kids. She than said "Well you must be having a better time with acceptance then?" I paused and thought. I then remember my rant and overreacting as some of you may have read in my last blog  (read here).

I look at her and  after a long pause said "well not quite." I explained to her my concerns of lost romance and how I feel I'm not shown love as much as I feel I should. She asked me about Eric's background and I explained to her how he came from a divided family. His mother was a nurse his dad a police officer and army vet. She than asked me to give her examples of some things that Eric says or does. I also told her how Eric had asked me "How can I love you fully when you don't even love yourself?"  I told her he was right. I don't love myself, I do not like who I have become.

She asked me what I do like about myself. There was a very long pause after this question. All I could say was I try to help people when I can. That was it. I told her I hate the way I look an I hate my poor attitude. She than asked me what kind of things I would like to see and hear Eric say.
 As I spoke and recapped to her I realized that what he does and says are his way of saying and showing he love me. It may not be the storybook, When Harry met Sally romance but it is "The Eric Romance". Eric learned to show love a different way growing up just like I had NOT learned, if that makes any sense. I was so tied up in looking for the "Ghost" like affection to not see that he has been showing me and telling me he loves me the whole 5 years we've been together! So of course this led to my new course of action and subject to work on.

I am supposed to make a gratitude list daily. I have a bad habit of just shrugging things off and assuming they are always going to be there. Taking things for granted only lead to upset and heartbreaks. I also am supposed to look in the mirror daily and tell myself something positive or as my counselor say give me a pep talk to build up my confidence and self esteem.

"I am an endless piece of work with many chapters as long as I continue to try and move on I will always have sequels!! " ~Me~ 

Actions...I want actions not words!!!

                                                                        

	On this day of your life, Connie, we believe God wants you to know ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts.In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall

                                                                    or better yet....

Connie called Anita to know her Libra horoscope

Anita said:

''Connie honey, tell the truth like it is - do not hide behind the bushes. Speak from the heart and your words will have the right impact. If you have to compromise then do it by gut feeling and intuition. You can adapt more of an experimental attitude, share it with your partner, you will both have fun in putting the pieces together.''

   or yet how about this.....

                  You are very expressive and positive in words, act and feeling.

I read my daily fortune cookie!

 All these things came from my Facebook, my social network site that I use. For those who are on my Facebook list I'm gonna fill you in, for those who read my blogs and have no clue as to why these message seem to ring true to me here is the ordeal.

As we speak my engagement ring is off my finger and in the box with my wedding band until further notice if not pack away forever. I'm either having a change in heart, starting to realize the truth or maybe I'm even jumping to conclusion but either way right now my future with Eric is looking pretty grim. Now before anyone starts jumping the gun let me just say don't because I don't know what my future holds.

Stuffs been going on for a while now but it's been just recently that I've gotten to the point where I just can't take it anymore and I had to open up and speak my mind.

Now granted Eric is great with the kids and has never took a hand let alone raised a hand to me even after I had a freak out flashback and yanked his sweatshirt hoodie and threw him backwards when we first got together (He turned and said I'm leaving after a fight we had when we first got together. I had a flashback of my ex-husband walking out on me and to me Eric leaving was that day all over again) or after I had a moment of bad judgement and started throwing phonebooks and pillows at him while we were having another fight but all those were over four years ago and I have no had any hot tempered moments since.

Now while Eric is great and does take care of the kids even when 2 are not his, and he busts his ass off for what we have and he does seem to be patient with me...there is one thing that is just not there anymore on his part and well I for one am tired of trying to carry on when I get nothing in return. 

I get up at 3:30 every morning to do my paper routes and unless I'm lucky enough to get a nap I'm pretty much up until 10 at night and that is if Trystin decides that she is going to scream and fight me on sleep. Every one in a blue moon I may get lucky and get to sleep by 8:30 maybe 9 O'clock. Now Eric works second shift. His hours are 4:30pm to 1am or 3am if he is working 10 hour shifts. He will get home eat and either help me with papers and go to bed at 5:30 or go to bed at 4. He will than sleep until 1 pm. Now lets do the math.... 10:30 to 3:30 is 5 hours of sleep 4:00 to 1:00 is 9 hours or 6 to 1 is 7 hours. Now my 5 hours to Eric's 7 to 9 hours is this fair? Well he seems to think that it is because he is constantly bitching about being tired and he feels his naps should come before mine! Really where is my equal respect?!

Second, there is absolutely no romance of any kind unless it is initiated by me. He may give me a little peck on the lips but holy crap the french see more kisses than I do!! I understand that we live in a full house but for crying out loud he can't even just come up and snuggle with me in bed while watching a movie!! I even went as far as researching different ways of being intimate with out the sex part but has he done anything or even tried?! He also never cooks for me. His definition of cooking for me is going to McDonald's or Burger king or calling and having a pizza delivered! I seriously mean that any romance we once had has flown directly out the window.

Third, He feels that I am only with him for his money and He blames me for him not having any money. You see Eric used to have an IRA and a trust fund which have now since become just a piece of paper. He has used it for household expenses, he paid off his 10,000 dollar car loan, bought 2 Xboxs, and a 32' flat screen TV! But yet me and the kids are reasons why his money is gone. If he would not have lost so many jobs maybe he wouldn't have had to turn to them for household expenses! Even when he wasn't working or getting unemployment I went out and found a job and held this family together.

Now if I was only with him for his money, I would have departed this relationship after he had lost his first 5 jobs since we have been together 2 may I add he was fired from! I would have also left him when he told me his trust fund was closed and his IRA was dry, but I didn't. I went out and got a job and worked and even now to try and relieve some of the financial stress off of him I got a paper route...I stooped as low as getting a paper route even though I know darn well I can do a lot better I chose the route because the hours were fitting for our schedule!

He also says I constantly want something that we can't afford. Well guess what those wants are nothing but a material item that I want to fill the void I currently have. Did you ever think that if you gave me love and affection I wouldn't want all that junk! What I want is to be able to make you happy, make you dinner, wash and fold your laundry, go out of my comfort zone to shoe you intimacy. I don't want your damn money. I want your love! I did ask him what he wants to do for me not what he NEEDS to do. Yea he needs to provide us with money because without money we would have no home, no food, and no clothes. I just want him to show me that he does love me for once instead of just saying it!

There are still some other lingering issues but we'll leave it at these for right now. So yes I have either had enough or maybe it's just that lack of sleep but either way these issues were addressed last night. This is why I have posted the above applications.

In my God wants you to know it states that "things may look bad but it will all turn around and I'm not to give up." Well I'm not giving up unless he truly gives up first and he tells me we are done.  In my horoscope it says "Tell the truth like it is - do not hide behind the bushes. Speak from the heart and your words will have the right impact and my fortune cookie says  You are very expressive and positive in words, act and feeling. Well this just makes me wonder because last night when the issues were addressed they were addressed in letter form. A 3 page letter front and back explaining how I feel and what has been my the reason for my as he puts it "Shit attitude" towards him.

Now I gave him it in letter form because I was extremely to pissed off at him yesterday so I know I would have said something should he of interrupted me while I was speaking to him which would have been and even bigger fight. So this morning when I got up he didn't say anything to me (usually he'll say morning baby), I went outside to smoke a cigarette (resolution still in works) he came out with me where we stood in complete silence until I walked back in the house. There I went to the bathroom and got my coffee. He had since come in and turned the TV to my morning news station and had said to me " I know you really don't want to hear my voice right now but just a forewarning Trystin was up at 1 until 3. He than went to bed. I have no intention's of speaking to him unless the words You are right, I've been foolish and I'm sorry comes out of his mouth. If they don't well than I guess I'll just be on my way.

So this morning I emailed his step mom and dad and thanked them for their hospitality and for making the kids and I feel like part of the family and made any amends with them that I feel I needed to make. Right now I am very uncertain of what may happen. I'm defiantly scared though because I have no money and no place to go. The kids and I will probably have to find a shelter to live in. I will probably lose my van because I will not be able to afford payments and I will more than likely have no phone until I can get a job and start from scratch. As for now I'm just taking it as I go and whatever comes my way.

The only thing that is making this as easy on me right now is I know I have the support of Eric's brother, Eric's dad and his step mom no matter what happens. Sean feels Eric is unappreciative of me and he too is upset with how he treats me. Sean has told me many time's I'm a great to him. Hell he even told me that Eric's dad and Step mom like me more than him sometimes. So with that in mind I ask for a lot of prayers and wishes my way. Hopefully my letter had an impact on him like my horoscopes says and he straightens up his act.

I truly do love him and I do want to still spend the rest of my life with him but it he refuses to compromise than whats the point. I guess my engagement ring set will just be a waste of money and it will collect dust until Trystin gets old enough to where is can be passed down to her.

"Money can't mend a broken heart; that's Love's job. If you have love in your life it can make up for  many things you lack. If you don't have love, no matter what else there is, it's just not enough."

Update---As of 1/3/11 we have talked and made amends. He did apologizes and we both admitted that we both over reacted to things.