So here I sit...
In front of this computer screen, eyes blurry, head spinning and sick to my stomach. I'm about to confess one of my biggest downfalls and I'm quite sure I will get a few comments in regards to it.
As some of you that read my blogs may have noticed my depression is in high gear. Well that is because I have once again quite taking my antidepressant. Yes I know that was stupid. I have started taking it again though but unfortunately it will take a while for it to kick in to it's full effect again.
I don't know why I do it. Every time, even though I tell myself I won't I get better, things start looking up, and boom I quite taking it thinking I don't need it. When this happens Eric and I have a battle of whits and we both end up with hurt feelings both of us feeling unappreciated and worthless.
However, I think I have finally pinpointed what MY problem is that is causing OUR problems. It's me in general. As you have read in previous post my weight has reached it's all time highest. This is my issue, my problem, my mood changer.
Growing up I was always heavy. Mostly because with my bone disorder there was a lot of things I couldn't do or just could do but was forbidden to. I could never get the exercise I needed because either it was to much pressure on my hips or because my mother and father felt it was to risky and I could get hurt and break something again. In turn I became the target of bullies being told to free willy as I walked through the halls. I was called Thunder thighs and people would make cow sounds or act as if an earthquake was happening when I would walk past somebody.
Well after I was moved out and on my own I start exercising, riding my bike, taking diet pills and starving myself. I got down to 115 pounds, I was excited because even though I did it the completely wrong and unhealthy way I got thin! I was so happy and proud of myself. Well along the way I got pregnant and the weight came back. After Brienna was born and Dane had walk out I didn't have time to eat I was to focused on the kids and making sure they had the food they needed. I was working 60 to 70 hours at M-tek and was trying to keep my head above ground. I ended up falling into a deep depression and again lost weight.
I was 135 pounds when Eric and I got together, This is actually a healthy weight for my body size. Well like in many relationships I got lazy and got comfortable and quite focusing on myself. I put all of my time on trying to make the kids happy and Eric happy and gave up on myself. Well I did something about it. Yesterday I went to the doctors. Not only to find out that I have a severe sinus infection that has been the cause of my eyes clouding over but also to get help on my weight.
Starting tomorrow with careful supervision of my doctor I will be starting on Adipex. A diet pill with a great outcome of weight loss. Althought it is classified as an amphetamine it is given to those who are at hight risk for diebeates and heart problems due to weight. It can only be used 3 months at a time and I must be off of it for 6 months before I can restart taking it again.
So as of now I am 190 pounds hopefully within the next 6 moths I will be down to my 120-135!! Wish me luck!! The new me is on it's way!!
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