As moving day grows closer and closer I cannot contain my emotions. I'm extremely happy that we have found a home in the country where the children can play and experience a lot of things children in the city cannot. However, the closer that day comes the more my heart breaks. Why you ask, Well let me explain.
Since my children have been born they have been in 5 different homes this next one being their 6th. Although this up and coming move was out of my control I still can't quit kicking myself in the arse. I really hate the fact that I have to move them and it's not even the end of the school year.
They have both made great friends at school. 2 of the girls that Brienna has become very close to has already heard the news and I was told by their mothers that they both had uncontrollable crying fits. While being told this all I could think was "Honey, I don't like this either but it has to be done and it is better for them."
I just wish I knew how to get over this heartbreak. I would give anything to win the lottery so I can buy a house so I do not have to got through this again. I know I won't but a person can dream can't they!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Gratitude of Criticism
Yesterday as I walked into the counselor's office and took my seat on the couch I had no intention's of really talking about anything. I'll admit I'm having a phase where I think I'm fine and I don't need the counseling anymore. Any person who suffers from depression will tell you they have those series of wild emotions and then they are fine out of the blue. It is times like those that make "us" question our diagnosis and say "No I'm fine I just had a few bad days. I don't need this stuff, I'll be fine'"
None the less, after dealing with these episodes for over 14 years I have come to accept that yes things may seem good but I must continue what I'm doing if I want to keep it going. In times like these is where the counselor come in handy. They will push the issue of things and persuade you to continually recap and work on things. That is just what happened yesterday.
I walked in to the office in what I like to call my "Sleep mode". I was just overfilled with happiness because as some of you may know we will be moving. Well we found a house. I'm extremely excited over this because it is in the country. Now I have lived in the city all my life, my ggrandparents on both my mother's and father's side had homes in the country.
My paternal grandma was in the country but did not have the barns and animals but she had the good ole' Ohio corn field as a backyard boarder. My maternal grandmother had the whole country shebang! There I had the excitement of horseback riding, outhouses, and pond fishing. My great uncle had the dairy farm. There I would watch as the cows were milked, the pigs were slopped, and the sheep's were shaved. I remember one time my uncle had put me on a pig. Long story short I ended up in the mud flat on my face.
Anyways, I see myself more of a country girl, I love the solitude of the pitch black landscape with just the light of the moon and stars to lead your way. No interstate sounds, no street lights just the sound of roosters, coyote's, and maybe the squawk of an Eagle or hawk (which I was told I will see quite often swoop down to grab a Field mouse) So you can only imagine how excited I was when my brother in law said he loved it and we were told it was ours!
When my counselor had asked what we would talk about I just shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know". She asked how the holidays had gone and I told her that it had went better than I had led myself to believe. I told her about how I was able to control my little girl transformation and how I was excited that my dad had interacted with the kids. She than said "Well you must be having a better time with acceptance then?" I paused and thought. I then remember my rant and overreacting as some of you may have read in my last blog (read here).
I look at her and after a long pause said "well not quite." I explained to her my concerns of lost romance and how I feel I'm not shown love as much as I feel I should. She asked me about Eric's background and I explained to her how he came from a divided family. His mother was a nurse his dad a police officer and army vet. She than asked me to give her examples of some things that Eric says or does. I also told her how Eric had asked me "How can I love you fully when you don't even love yourself?" I told her he was right. I don't love myself, I do not like who I have become.
She asked me what I do like about myself. There was a very long pause after this question. All I could say was I try to help people when I can. That was it. I told her I hate the way I look an I hate my poor attitude. She than asked me what kind of things I would like to see and hear Eric say.
As I spoke and recapped to her I realized that what he does and says are his way of saying and showing he love me. It may not be the storybook, When Harry met Sally romance but it is "The Eric Romance". Eric learned to show love a different way growing up just like I had NOT learned, if that makes any sense. I was so tied up in looking for the "Ghost" like affection to not see that he has been showing me and telling me he loves me the whole 5 years we've been together! So of course this led to my new course of action and subject to work on.
I am supposed to make a gratitude list daily. I have a bad habit of just shrugging things off and assuming they are always going to be there. Taking things for granted only lead to upset and heartbreaks. I also am supposed to look in the mirror daily and tell myself something positive or as my counselor say give me a pep talk to build up my confidence and self esteem.
"I am an endless piece of work with many chapters as long as I continue to try and move on I will always have sequels!! " ~Me~
None the less, after dealing with these episodes for over 14 years I have come to accept that yes things may seem good but I must continue what I'm doing if I want to keep it going. In times like these is where the counselor come in handy. They will push the issue of things and persuade you to continually recap and work on things. That is just what happened yesterday.
I walked in to the office in what I like to call my "Sleep mode". I was just overfilled with happiness because as some of you may know we will be moving. Well we found a house. I'm extremely excited over this because it is in the country. Now I have lived in the city all my life, my ggrandparents on both my mother's and father's side had homes in the country.
My paternal grandma was in the country but did not have the barns and animals but she had the good ole' Ohio corn field as a backyard boarder. My maternal grandmother had the whole country shebang! There I had the excitement of horseback riding, outhouses, and pond fishing. My great uncle had the dairy farm. There I would watch as the cows were milked, the pigs were slopped, and the sheep's were shaved. I remember one time my uncle had put me on a pig. Long story short I ended up in the mud flat on my face.
Anyways, I see myself more of a country girl, I love the solitude of the pitch black landscape with just the light of the moon and stars to lead your way. No interstate sounds, no street lights just the sound of roosters, coyote's, and maybe the squawk of an Eagle or hawk (which I was told I will see quite often swoop down to grab a Field mouse) So you can only imagine how excited I was when my brother in law said he loved it and we were told it was ours!
When my counselor had asked what we would talk about I just shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know". She asked how the holidays had gone and I told her that it had went better than I had led myself to believe. I told her about how I was able to control my little girl transformation and how I was excited that my dad had interacted with the kids. She than said "Well you must be having a better time with acceptance then?" I paused and thought. I then remember my rant and overreacting as some of you may have read in my last blog (read here).
I look at her and after a long pause said "well not quite." I explained to her my concerns of lost romance and how I feel I'm not shown love as much as I feel I should. She asked me about Eric's background and I explained to her how he came from a divided family. His mother was a nurse his dad a police officer and army vet. She than asked me to give her examples of some things that Eric says or does. I also told her how Eric had asked me "How can I love you fully when you don't even love yourself?" I told her he was right. I don't love myself, I do not like who I have become.
She asked me what I do like about myself. There was a very long pause after this question. All I could say was I try to help people when I can. That was it. I told her I hate the way I look an I hate my poor attitude. She than asked me what kind of things I would like to see and hear Eric say.
As I spoke and recapped to her I realized that what he does and says are his way of saying and showing he love me. It may not be the storybook, When Harry met Sally romance but it is "The Eric Romance". Eric learned to show love a different way growing up just like I had NOT learned, if that makes any sense. I was so tied up in looking for the "Ghost" like affection to not see that he has been showing me and telling me he loves me the whole 5 years we've been together! So of course this led to my new course of action and subject to work on.
I am supposed to make a gratitude list daily. I have a bad habit of just shrugging things off and assuming they are always going to be there. Taking things for granted only lead to upset and heartbreaks. I also am supposed to look in the mirror daily and tell myself something positive or as my counselor say give me a pep talk to build up my confidence and self esteem.
"I am an endless piece of work with many chapters as long as I continue to try and move on I will always have sequels!! " ~Me~
Monday, January 3, 2011
Actions...I want actions not words!!!
On this day of your life, Connie, we believe God wants you to know ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts.In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall | |
Anita said:
''Connie honey, tell the truth like it is - do not hide behind the bushes. Speak from the heart and your words will have the right impact. If you have to compromise then do it by gut feeling and intuition. You can adapt more of an experimental attitude, share it with your partner, you will both have fun in putting the pieces together.''
or yet how about this.....
I read my daily fortune cookie!
All these things came from my Facebook, my social network site that I use. For those who are on my Facebook list I'm gonna fill you in, for those who read my blogs and have no clue as to why these message seem to ring true to me here is the ordeal.
As we speak my engagement ring is off my finger and in the box with my wedding band until further notice if not pack away forever. I'm either having a change in heart, starting to realize the truth or maybe I'm even jumping to conclusion but either way right now my future with Eric is looking pretty grim. Now before anyone starts jumping the gun let me just say don't because I don't know what my future holds.
Stuffs been going on for a while now but it's been just recently that I've gotten to the point where I just can't take it anymore and I had to open up and speak my mind.
Now granted Eric is great with the kids and has never took a hand let alone raised a hand to me even after I had a freak out flashback and yanked his sweatshirt hoodie and threw him backwards when we first got together (He turned and said I'm leaving after a fight we had when we first got together. I had a flashback of my ex-husband walking out on me and to me Eric leaving was that day all over again) or after I had a moment of bad judgement and started throwing phonebooks and pillows at him while we were having another fight but all those were over four years ago and I have no had any hot tempered moments since.
Now granted Eric is great with the kids and has never took a hand let alone raised a hand to me even after I had a freak out flashback and yanked his sweatshirt hoodie and threw him backwards when we first got together (He turned and said I'm leaving after a fight we had when we first got together. I had a flashback of my ex-husband walking out on me and to me Eric leaving was that day all over again) or after I had a moment of bad judgement and started throwing phonebooks and pillows at him while we were having another fight but all those were over four years ago and I have no had any hot tempered moments since.
Now while Eric is great and does take care of the kids even when 2 are not his, and he busts his ass off for what we have and he does seem to be patient with me...there is one thing that is just not there anymore on his part and well I for one am tired of trying to carry on when I get nothing in return.
I get up at 3:30 every morning to do my paper routes and unless I'm lucky enough to get a nap I'm pretty much up until 10 at night and that is if Trystin decides that she is going to scream and fight me on sleep. Every one in a blue moon I may get lucky and get to sleep by 8:30 maybe 9 O'clock. Now Eric works second shift. His hours are 4:30pm to 1am or 3am if he is working 10 hour shifts. He will get home eat and either help me with papers and go to bed at 5:30 or go to bed at 4. He will than sleep until 1 pm. Now lets do the math.... 10:30 to 3:30 is 5 hours of sleep 4:00 to 1:00 is 9 hours or 6 to 1 is 7 hours. Now my 5 hours to Eric's 7 to 9 hours is this fair? Well he seems to think that it is because he is constantly bitching about being tired and he feels his naps should come before mine! Really where is my equal respect?!
Second, there is absolutely no romance of any kind unless it is initiated by me. He may give me a little peck on the lips but holy crap the french see more kisses than I do!! I understand that we live in a full house but for crying out loud he can't even just come up and snuggle with me in bed while watching a movie!! I even went as far as researching different ways of being intimate with out the sex part but has he done anything or even tried?! He also never cooks for me. His definition of cooking for me is going to McDonald's or Burger king or calling and having a pizza delivered! I seriously mean that any romance we once had has flown directly out the window.
Third, He feels that I am only with him for his money and He blames me for him not having any money. You see Eric used to have an IRA and a trust fund which have now since become just a piece of paper. He has used it for household expenses, he paid off his 10,000 dollar car loan, bought 2 Xboxs, and a 32' flat screen TV! But yet me and the kids are reasons why his money is gone. If he would not have lost so many jobs maybe he wouldn't have had to turn to them for household expenses! Even when he wasn't working or getting unemployment I went out and found a job and held this family together.
Now if I was only with him for his money, I would have departed this relationship after he had lost his first 5 jobs since we have been together 2 may I add he was fired from! I would have also left him when he told me his trust fund was closed and his IRA was dry, but I didn't. I went out and got a job and worked and even now to try and relieve some of the financial stress off of him I got a paper route...I stooped as low as getting a paper route even though I know darn well I can do a lot better I chose the route because the hours were fitting for our schedule!
He also says I constantly want something that we can't afford. Well guess what those wants are nothing but a material item that I want to fill the void I currently have. Did you ever think that if you gave me love and affection I wouldn't want all that junk! What I want is to be able to make you happy, make you dinner, wash and fold your laundry, go out of my comfort zone to shoe you intimacy. I don't want your damn money. I want your love! I did ask him what he wants to do for me not what he NEEDS to do. Yea he needs to provide us with money because without money we would have no home, no food, and no clothes. I just want him to show me that he does love me for once instead of just saying it!
There are still some other lingering issues but we'll leave it at these for right now. So yes I have either had enough or maybe it's just that lack of sleep but either way these issues were addressed last night. This is why I have posted the above applications.
In my God wants you to know it states that "things may look bad but it will all turn around and I'm not to give up." Well I'm not giving up unless he truly gives up first and he tells me we are done. In my horoscope it says "Tell the truth like it is - do not hide behind the bushes. Speak from the heart and your words will have the right impact and my fortune cookie says You are very expressive and positive in words, act and feeling. Well this just makes me wonder because last night when the issues were addressed they were addressed in letter form. A 3 page letter front and back explaining how I feel and what has been my the reason for my as he puts it "Shit attitude" towards him.
Now I gave him it in letter form because I was extremely to pissed off at him yesterday so I know I would have said something should he of interrupted me while I was speaking to him which would have been and even bigger fight. So this morning when I got up he didn't say anything to me (usually he'll say morning baby), I went outside to smoke a cigarette (resolution still in works) he came out with me where we stood in complete silence until I walked back in the house. There I went to the bathroom and got my coffee. He had since come in and turned the TV to my morning news station and had said to me " I know you really don't want to hear my voice right now but just a forewarning Trystin was up at 1 until 3. He than went to bed. I have no intention's of speaking to him unless the words You are right, I've been foolish and I'm sorry comes out of his mouth. If they don't well than I guess I'll just be on my way.
So this morning I emailed his step mom and dad and thanked them for their hospitality and for making the kids and I feel like part of the family and made any amends with them that I feel I needed to make. Right now I am very uncertain of what may happen. I'm defiantly scared though because I have no money and no place to go. The kids and I will probably have to find a shelter to live in. I will probably lose my van because I will not be able to afford payments and I will more than likely have no phone until I can get a job and start from scratch. As for now I'm just taking it as I go and whatever comes my way.
The only thing that is making this as easy on me right now is I know I have the support of Eric's brother, Eric's dad and his step mom no matter what happens. Sean feels Eric is unappreciative of me and he too is upset with how he treats me. Sean has told me many time's I'm a great to him. Hell he even told me that Eric's dad and Step mom like me more than him sometimes. So with that in mind I ask for a lot of prayers and wishes my way. Hopefully my letter had an impact on him like my horoscopes says and he straightens up his act.
I truly do love him and I do want to still spend the rest of my life with him but it he refuses to compromise than whats the point. I guess my engagement ring set will just be a waste of money and it will collect dust until Trystin gets old enough to where is can be passed down to her.
"Money can't mend a broken heart; that's Love's job. If you have love in your life it can make up for many things you lack. If you don't have love, no matter what else there is, it's just not enough."
I truly do love him and I do want to still spend the rest of my life with him but it he refuses to compromise than whats the point. I guess my engagement ring set will just be a waste of money and it will collect dust until Trystin gets old enough to where is can be passed down to her.
"Money can't mend a broken heart; that's Love's job. If you have love in your life it can make up for many things you lack. If you don't have love, no matter what else there is, it's just not enough."
Update---As of 1/3/11 we have talked and made amends. He did apologizes and we both admitted that we both over reacted to things.
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