The learning years?

He's right. I have no right to speak of things I know nothing about. I am selfish. I do have problems. I can't help that every time a voice is raised and someone rants about an issue I suddenly feel attacked. I spent the first 18 years of my life being blamed for everything from a light being left on to my mom's drug use. I spent the first 14 years getting hit and thrown around because my dad turned his anger at my mother towards me. My entire childhood I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Since then I can't be in the same room with someone who rants because yes I have a guilty conscious. You spend everyday of your life being blamed for something you had absolutely no control over. How was I too know my mom was stealing money from my dad? How was I to know that my mom cheating on my dad was wrong? How was I supposed to know that I was gonna get the crap beat out of me from somebody I thought was my friend because I wouldn't let him have my key ring.
 Okay maybe I am a cold heartless bitch. Growing up in my house if I shed a tear about anything I was given a reason to cry. I remember one time I was probably 8 I think, My best friend at the time had asked me if I wanted to go to the Trick or Treat at the mall. Well she never asked her mom first before asking me. Well when her mom said, "No we're not going" I was crushed. I ran home crying my eyes out. My mom was so doped out of her mind that she didn't care and never even bother to ask me what was wrong. I just ran to my room like a babbling fool. Well my crying woke my dad up. Yep, all hell broke loose. He asked me what was wrong I told him and his response was "Quit being such a baby. You want something to cry about I'll give you one" and with that I was punched straight in the stomach. I couldn't breathe. The wind was knocked right out of me. This wasn't just a one time thing. Anytime I cried about something I was either hit, punched, or thrown against a room. So at a very early age I learned not to show emotions of any sort.
Now in my adulthood I still can't get away from that. I know I'm with a good man. I mean we all have had screw ups. I'm far from being perfect. I have had made more bad decisions in my 30 years of life than even Albert Einstein did when he developed the theory of general relativity. Every person makes mistakes, Life didn't come with an instruction manual, however it would be really nice if it would have. My problems are excepting those mistakes. I need to quit feeling attacked all the time and remember people vent. I also just need to quit holding it in. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Not all opinions are right or they wouldn't be called that. If I don't agree with it I need to just move on and agree to disagree.
What really peeves me off the most though is how people feel they need to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. Yea okay so I overreact about things. I will make a mountain out of a mole hill. But you know what, in my head by me doing this I have prepared myself for the worst and if nothing big comes out of it and I overreacted about it, Let me tell you the rush of relief I get from it is AWESOME!
Yes maybe I do cause drama it subconsciously. I spent all my life with drama. Every time I turned around my mother and my father was doing shit. It's what I have learned.
Am I to old to make changes? Have I been set in my ways for to long to excel and make my life better? I know my life is WAY better now than it ever has been so why am I still depressed? Why do I continue to look around for something wrong instead of just enjoy the life I have. Why can't I actually face the fact that my life is great except for me? Will I be able to correct myself? Can I fix my wrongs? How? Where do I start? I surely can't just be reborn and redo. (Although that to would be nice.) Is it just because living with other's and only having a "True" family time has been Very little? I mean for 6 months It was just Eric, me and the kids the other 5 and a half years we have always lived with someone. Uggg what is wrong with me!!